?

It's a simple thing, when you stop receiving compliments for the things you used to. Perhaps it is so dimly present because you have been receiving compliments about other things. Or perhaps you have approached a frame of mind in which you no longer look to others to make yourself feel stable on two feet again. The confidence has come in a different way, and it has brought sadness with it. Quietly, and in a new skin, but sadness still emerges.

The time I knew things were different was when I kept something from my mom. Nothing big, and not even a development that lasted more than a few days, but I avoided sharing with her because I knew what she would say. Who knows if my prediction would have been accurate, but I seem to have found someone new to confide in, and that scares me infinitely. I know my mom would never leave me, I know she never could. But when you meet someone who makes you question everything, the line between relationships that will last and relationships that could very soon end becomes blurry.

I've never felt more secure about the things I am doing. Logically, I am prepared, organized, in the best place possible. And yet I am fragile, so fragile. And scared.

I've never questioned the future, never considered that things could be different from the idea of chasing all the moving pictures in my head. And sometimes I get a reminder, and I am sure of this all over again. But its come to a point that my days don't move like time-lapse pictures anymore. They move with a stillness, a certain stagnant type of lapse that makes me feel full of time I don't want. Things are confusing, and I wasn't heartbroken to learn I couldn't be abroad for an entire year. I don't want to be in my room anymore.

Here's a poem

Usually, flashing lights
don't have to be any specific color and
I still feel like I'm dreaming. Depending
on what I was drinking, the fragrance of
the straw (if there is one)
might make me quiet or
dancing fast enough for
everyone to see.

But this time,
the lights are green, yellow and blue
and I want to cry.
It's stupid, and I don't understand
but he is in the middle and he doesn't care
and I'm probably overreacting.
My back hurts and every time
someone new flashes me a smile
and asks if I'm having a good time
I have to hide my tears
in music I can't relate to
and pretend I'm not struggling to breathe.

Usually I like people and I don't mind
if someone brushes my shoulder but every
breath of skin is mixed with all the things
I used to believe made the world more interesting
(I would have helped search for the spark on the ground
but instead I wish I could stomp it out)

What's wrong with me lately?
I'm still a teenager, I just don't like
to have a runny nose (from gray smoke) and
I've had too many headaches to
believe feeling them in the morning is normal.

"It's more fun to go to the bars when you're single"
yes, that must be it, and
it surely is more fun to want a relationship when you're
not terrified of losing this one.

I wish it didn't make me want to sob into the grass
when I think about that fact that
someone could be the first one to say
"I love you" (if they believe in saying it at all)
and that I could be with someone who would
fly planes with me in my dreams,
and that being in something doesn't need
to feel like me making a big deal over what
isn't plausible.

I don't know if he's the best
thing to happen to me lately
he certainly is in a few ways
but I barely write anymore
except when I'm being productive
and taking control and
being more organized than I've been before.

I still picture things
but my brain and heart don't
agree anymore.
I feel rational, like I could settle in
and be here and be happy.
I won't ever let him read this
does that say something?