this may sound kind of weird, but i'm going with it anyways.
Today at work, i was sitting in the lifeguard chair, and a ladybug landed on the guard tube. And usually i despise all kinds of bugs, even butterflies. But i had this idea, that i should let it crawl on my finger. So i did.
And it was amazing. i may sound like a freak when i say this, but it was just this incredible moment where i felt so much wonder, that i could have something so tiny and fragile on my hand, something so unique, and beautiful, a living, breathing creature walking gently across the abyss that was my palm. And it was just incredible, because i wasn't scared, i just felt lucky. That this ladybug would choose me to climb on, that i was the one who was lucky and facing my fears and such. And now i'm not afraid of ladybugs.
So i'm going to write a poem.
ladybug
She crawls gently across my palm,
conquering what she believes is a mountain.
So sweet,
so small,
so gentle i feel nothing but wonder.
I've done it.
i've put a ladybug on my hand, and i'm not afraid.
It's beautiful, the way i feel.
powerful, like nothing can touch me.
She's like a charm,
a jewel of good luck and bravery.
Congratulations, you've seen it.
You've captured that feeling few people get to experience.
something so small, and yet it's so big.
so beautiful, like the first spring flower
gentle like a september breeze.
I love this place where she takes me.
and when she lifts her wings to take flight,
i smile and can't stop.
Thank you,
i whisper.
Your good luck is what saves me.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
hi
today was not a good day.
it was one of those days where you're sad, but you can't exactly figure out why. Nothing devastatingly disappointing happened, but you're still left feeling disappointed and unfulfilled. That was my day. And i don't know, but i'm just sad. Like i just want to sit in my room all night and listen to sad music and eat chocolate and look at couple posts on tumblr and feel bad about myself. But that will only result in me feeling bad about myself, and there will be no solution and i won't feel any better.
It's just so frustrating. Pretty much everything. Having to find a homecoming date, finding a guy I actually like and he doesn't like me, or finding a guy who does like me, but he moves on before anything even happens. I just don't know what i can do to make things better. Like, i'm so tired of stepping out of my comfort zone, it's really hard and makes me nervous but i'm just so tired of having to do it. i'm just tired. i don't want to go to school tomorrow. or the next day. but i don't want to sit at home either. There's nothing there, nothing here at home, nobody that i really want to see. Life's just boring, and i'm left feeling left out and unhappy.
the end
it was one of those days where you're sad, but you can't exactly figure out why. Nothing devastatingly disappointing happened, but you're still left feeling disappointed and unfulfilled. That was my day. And i don't know, but i'm just sad. Like i just want to sit in my room all night and listen to sad music and eat chocolate and look at couple posts on tumblr and feel bad about myself. But that will only result in me feeling bad about myself, and there will be no solution and i won't feel any better.
It's just so frustrating. Pretty much everything. Having to find a homecoming date, finding a guy I actually like and he doesn't like me, or finding a guy who does like me, but he moves on before anything even happens. I just don't know what i can do to make things better. Like, i'm so tired of stepping out of my comfort zone, it's really hard and makes me nervous but i'm just so tired of having to do it. i'm just tired. i don't want to go to school tomorrow. or the next day. but i don't want to sit at home either. There's nothing there, nothing here at home, nobody that i really want to see. Life's just boring, and i'm left feeling left out and unhappy.
the end
Monday, September 17, 2012
Boys
Hello. This is a post about relationships and love and what I'm thinking at the moment.
I've always wondered about those relationships that last for 50+ years.
I mean, I've never really experienced or seen such a successful relationship. Like what does it look like? A relationship where the people are still together because they still love each other, not because the relationship is familiar. I've never really seen that, besides in movies. A couple who loves and flirts and that clearly still has that spark. And that makes me kind of scared.
I'm used to somebody in the relationship getting tired of the other somebody, of one of them moving on before the other one. And I'm not trying to be sexist when I say I think of it as being the guy. Itt just makes sense to me, that the guy will get bored first, and move in first.
It doesn't help that I have experience with this. No, not being married for so long, but with me getting attached and the guy moving on. Before anything really happens, but still hurtful. And I've always blamed myself. Wondered what it was I did wrong this time, wondering how long it will take me to love on. It's hard and it's made me wary. I'm afraid to get too attached but it's so easy for my hopes to rise so quickly. And I'm nervous and I think I have to move fast because they could be moving on any second. Getting tired if me, wanting only to be rid of me. And it makes r really really hard for me to convince myself that things will work out this time. I hope, but in the back of my kind I'm always thinking that it will end like all the others, quick and devastating. It's hard. That's all.
I've always wondered about those relationships that last for 50+ years.
I mean, I've never really experienced or seen such a successful relationship. Like what does it look like? A relationship where the people are still together because they still love each other, not because the relationship is familiar. I've never really seen that, besides in movies. A couple who loves and flirts and that clearly still has that spark. And that makes me kind of scared.
I'm used to somebody in the relationship getting tired of the other somebody, of one of them moving on before the other one. And I'm not trying to be sexist when I say I think of it as being the guy. Itt just makes sense to me, that the guy will get bored first, and move in first.
It doesn't help that I have experience with this. No, not being married for so long, but with me getting attached and the guy moving on. Before anything really happens, but still hurtful. And I've always blamed myself. Wondered what it was I did wrong this time, wondering how long it will take me to love on. It's hard and it's made me wary. I'm afraid to get too attached but it's so easy for my hopes to rise so quickly. And I'm nervous and I think I have to move fast because they could be moving on any second. Getting tired if me, wanting only to be rid of me. And it makes r really really hard for me to convince myself that things will work out this time. I hope, but in the back of my kind I'm always thinking that it will end like all the others, quick and devastating. It's hard. That's all.
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