I think i'm starting to figure it out

Motivation. Self-confidence. It's all sort of falling into place. I still have a lot of work to do with meets and stuff, but at practice at least i am doing really well.

And i guess i actually have one person whom i can thank for that. No name, but thank you. You don't know who you are, you don't know what you're doing for me, and you definitely don't know how i feel about you. I'm pretty sure about that. But thanks. I don't know why you are so motivating to me, but you are.

Anyway, today's practice was good. I didn't make it the entire way the way i wanted to, but i made it further than i thought i would. Because i was able to motivate myself a little, channel a little bit of something inside me. I liked the feeling. I liked being able to let out my breath and feel,

something. Something good. finally i had some sort of positive feeling inside about my abilities, and there was also positive reinforcement for that. We'll see how things continue, i hope that things do stay like this. I think sam was watching me. I think/hope/pray he was impressed.

because i am sososo afraid of next year. i really have no idea what is going to happen. I don't really want to know either. Oh.

It's been a while

A breeze rustled the leaves, and I stared again at my feet. I was supposed to be inside right now, getting my hair done, chatting with my Caroline, my best friend, the one whom I was supposed to be a maid of honor to. Today was her day, and I was supposed to be inside, there to support her. Instead, I was outside, caught up in my own selfish thoughts. I sighed, trying to avoid the thought my brain kept returning to. But I soon realized that there was no way to avoid it. I loved him. The man whom my best friend was about to marry, I loved him. I always had, and I knew that I always would.

It wasn’t fair, really. The way she had acquired him. I had known him first. Well, I had kind of introduced them actually. Stupid on my part, but what could I do about it now? It didn’t matter. What had happened was in the past, and all of a sudden we were at her wedding. She had stolen the only person I had ever admitted to myself that I loved, and now I had to go inside and pretend like I was happy for her. “Congratulations on stealing my dreams!” I wished I could say. But that was cheesy, and I knew she had never known that she was stealing from me.

She loved me. And I loved her. We were best friends, and we had been since sixth grade. We had gone to the same high school, but different colleges. But our friendship didn’t crumble like some of my other ones. We still hung out over weekends, caught up, and we remained as close as sisters. We had always been willing to tell each other everything, and I knew all of her secrets.

But there was one important secret that I was keeping from her. That I loved her fiancé. And every time I saw the two of them together, I got a sharp pain in my chest. And I really never had gotten over the thing we had had in high school.

His name was Bennett. And we had met junior year. While Caroline was blowing me off to hang out with who she thought was the love of her life at the time, I had met Bennett. We had clicked immediately, with similar music and literature tastes, it didn’t take long for us to become great friends. Soon enough he asked me out. We dated for about fourteen months, just about to the end of my senior year in high school. It was the most amazing time of my life. I got to experience that teenage love, where there are incredible highs and devastating lows. I snuck out of my house many times to meet Bennett, and sometimes we just drove off and didn’t come back until the next morning, just early enough for me to sneak back into my room. We listened to the same music, we always had things to talk about, and the times were incredible. Sometimes I would go over his house, and we would just sit on his roof and look at the stars. I honestly can’t think of a time when I felt happier than I did whenever I was with Bennett.

But, like everything else in life, things changed. We changed. I told Bennett that I wasn’t interested in having a long term relationship, and so I ended it before we went to college. He was devastated. He asked me to try and make it work with him, but I was too caught up in chasing my dreams. I had always wanted to fly. And just about two weeks before I broke up with Bennett I had gotten a scholarship to flight school. It was my dream come true. I wasn’t interested in being dragged down, so of course I seized the opportunity. I broke up with Bennett, I ran away, and I decided that flying, getting away, was the biggest priority in my life. Little did I realize that later I would find a new passion that would seize me.

I had never liked cooking. I just always ate what was put in front of me, because I knew I would never be able to make myself something better. But when my mom passed away when I was in the middle of my second year of flight school, I knew that I could never leave my hometown like I planned to. Flying was just not an option anymore. My dad was all alone in the empty house, and he needed me. So I pulled myself out of flight school, and I moved back into my old house. Of course my mom had been the one to cook all of my father’s meals, so the man knew how to make a cheese sandwich and that was about it. He didn’t even know what kind of milk he was supposed to buy.

I began cooking simple things, such as spaghetti, soup, anything that I could easily figure out. But as time went on, I got more creative. I started making more homemade meals, and I got to know my way around a kitchen. The moment when I realized I loved cooking came when I made my own homemade lasagna. I made the sauce; I even made the noodles. The moment when I saw my cooking on the table, all put together and beautiful, I knew that I found a new passion.

It was around this time that I got back into contact with Bennett. He called me, asking if I was okay, reassuring me, telling me he was always there for me. He came to the viewing for my mom, and that was where he met Caroline for the first time. He had known about her in high school, but he really didn’t meet her until that day.

I remember sitting at my mom’s closed casket, watching the two of them. The way that she was so shy with him. She asked me if I minded if she left with him, to get a drink. I said I didn’t mind, that it would be good for me to get a little time to think.

I think the moment I remember most about that day was the feeling I got when I saw the two of them leave together. I felt my heart break in two. Tears wouldn’t even come; I had cried them all out at the viewing. I just closed my eyes and smiled, wondering how God could be so cruel to bring all of these things to me at once.

I had prayed every night that their relationship would fail. It wasn’t cruelty, I just couldn’t handle it. I was so sad all the time, and I had to constantly pretend that I was happy for them. But of course God wasn’t watching me. Or so I felt. I left religion for a while, and I even decided to enroll myself in culinary school. I hoped it would help me. And it did, for a while. I graduated with flying colors, and even got a job in a local restaurant. Things were actually looking up for me when I got the position of head cook at the restaurant.

However, this joy soon died when two weeks later I found out that Caroline and Bennett were engaged. She told me, and the little piece of me that had been hoping for a breakup died. I pasted a smile, laughed when she told me how nervous he had been proposing to her, and took a suitable time admiring her ring. But when I got home, I cried for three hours. I wondered how I could go on, knowing that the only guy I had ever loved, loved someone else.

And now I was here, at their wedding. Wondering how I was supposed to keep this act up the entire night.

I wiped the tears that had snuck their way out of my eyes and onto my face, and I sniffed. I knew I probably looked a wreck, but I tried to make myself as presentable as possible before going in to check on Caroline. When I walked into the room where she was getting dressed, she turned around and smiled.

“I was wondering where you were!” she said.

I just smiled. “I’m here now, that’s what matters.” I said quietly. She smiled, and I took in how beautiful she looked. She really was gorgeous. She had always been the prettier one. The one people noticed first. I was just plain. I had pretty looks, but nothing compared to Caroline. And today she looked more beautiful than ever. And more than that, she looked happy. Genuinely happy.

 And it was in this moment that I realized I would have to suck up my feelings. For her. I could never take Bennett away from her. I had been given my chance with him, and I blew it. To take him now would be cruel and unfair. So I smiled too, trying to channel all of her happiness.

The ceremony was beautiful. They had written their own vows, and it hurt to hear them, but only a little. 

This summer...

It's starting off interesting. I know everything isn't going to fix itself. And really, there's not much that needs fixing. I think i'm getting better at swimming, and well, i don't really feel like talking. Do this later.

Haven't been here in a while! ):

• day 32: whether you’d rather marry someone who’s rich but ugly, or poor but attractive

Um, i think i'm gonna have to say somebody that's poor but attractive. Because i would not wanna be a gold digger, and hello, marrying somebody hot is always beneficial. Also, when i think of marrying somebody rich and ugly, i think of hugh hefner and the playboy bunnies, and that whole situation just disgusts me. 

• day 33: someone who really hurt you

I don't think i've ever been really really hurt, to the point where the problem has not been resolved. There are a lot of situations in which i feel like crap, and where all i can do is cry, and of course there are situations in which im hurt, but, for the most part, they are resolved. And i think that is a really good thing. 

• day 34: your horoscope for today and whether you think it’s accurate

"Your vital energy is perfect for getting others to see things your way — or at least to loosen up around you! It’s the best time for networking, dating or anything else that involves impressing folks." 

well i guess this is pretty accurate. Although i didn't really do anything today. 

• day 35: words you live by, why do you like them

"Apologize first and laugh as much as possible." I like them because they describe the way i like to live. apologizing first is kind of my theme song. I always am the first one to feel bad, or to try to resolve things. And i think this is a good quality. I hate having things in my life that make me upset, having people that don't like me. So i always try to resolve conflicts asap. And secondly, laughter really is the best medicine. I love laughing, and those moments when i laugh so much that i can't breathe and there are tears in my eyes are the moments i live for. 

• day 36: what you think about your friends

wow. this is quite a question. I like my friends. But at the same time, there are things about my friends that i do not like. I hate my friends on facebook. I hate facebook altogether really. there are a lot of issues, but at the end of the day, i like my friends, they make me laugh. 

• day 37: who are you

I'm Emily. That's it. 

• day 38: thoughts on your generation

we're trying to grow up too fast. We are so focused on having boyfriends and girlfriends that we are forgetting the true meaning of our teenage years, which is to relax and have fun. We are constantly being told that these are the best years of our lives, so we feel the need to constantly be overcompensating, so that when we do look back, we can say that these truly were the best years of our lives. But were they, really? When we are trying so hard to make them that way, can we really say that they were that much fun? It's like the difference between going to a party and hosting a party. Being the hostess is filled with responsibilities. We are so busy trying to make everyone else have fun that we forget that we are supposed to be having fun too. Whereas when we go to a party at someone else's house, we can forget about all of those things and just enjoy ourselves. We have a lot of feelings. There are so many things in our lives right now that are new and funny and shocking. The technology, the celebrities, the websites, all of it, it's so much to handle. We are the most computer reliant generation ever seen. Tumblr, Facebook, Google, all of the major websites, they are so much. And we feel the need to act so differently on each one. It's like this generation is filled with a bunch of crazy split-personality freaks. But what? It's not frowned upon. These people don't need help. They're, normal? There's the fake facebook personality, the tumblr personality which makes everything i huge deal, etc. My advice for this generation? Slow down, chill out, turn off the computer, and remember all of the things you used to enjoy before the internet. 

• day 39: what you think you’ve learned more from the good or the bad

Oh, the bad for sure. I think that i think about the bad much more then i think about the good. I over obsess, a lot. And also, when there are good times, i just smile and let them happen. It's better to remember them as fun times when i was happy and smiling, instead of over-analyzing them. 

• day 40: what are features you get complimented on a lot

my hair, my eyes, my tan skin. 

• day 41: write a letter to yourself stating all the things you love about yourself

Dear Emily, 

hi. 

You are beautiful. Don't ever forget that. I love your hair. Even though you can't brush through it, and trying to french braid it is always a difficulty. Your eyes are really pretty too. Take off the glasses and then you can be even prettier. I like how nice you are. I think everyone else does too. You are going to have amazing teeth when you get those nasty braces off. You will travel the world, you will get good times in swimming. You will get a book published, you will have everything you've ever wanted. You are amazing, and pleasepleaseplease don't ever forget that and lose yourself. 

byebyenow!

Emily 

I've missed a few days, so..

day 28- something that makes you really angry.
Um, i guess when people try to force their opinions on me. Yeah actually, that makes me really mad. When i have my own thoughts on something, and somebody tries to make me feel a different way, like the way i am thinking is wrong. That makes me mad.

day 29- a date you'd love for someone to take you on.
that's a tough one. I'd just love for somebody to take me on something really creative. like not just to the movies or out to dinner or whatever, but like, a bike ride, or a picnic, or something like that. If we're comfortable enough to be alone together, then the options are limitless.

day 30- 5 favorite boys names, five favorite girls names.
Jude, Kyle, Tommy, Gabe, and Liam
Fiona, Caroline, Mackenzie, (all really common, i know) Teagan, Annabel

day 31- a bit about your social life outside of the internet.
Well, i swim competitively. I swim year round, so swimming is definitely a huge part of my life. Um, obviously i like to write. I love reading, but i never get a chance to do it. I used to walk from my house to the library and then i would just sit and read. And it was great, but i never have the time to do it anymore. that is about it though, hahaha i actually don't really have much of a life during the year, with school and such.