is to put the needle in your own arm
and the only way to keep the addiction
is to let the needle come back.
I got high on Saturday.
It wasn't like I imagined at all
because instead of floating on my back with the clouds
I was an inch above my body
watching as it participated
in the life
I no longer seemed to be a part of.
Emily, I whispered to smoke
one time is not harmful
because the only way to smoke again
is to bring the instrument to your lips
and play it with an effort
at mixing your breath
with the gray dust
I got high on Saturday.
It wasn't like I imagined at all
because I kind of liked it
I felt so out of control
and I couldn't think
for the life of me
I was no longer the Emily Cashour
I had always been
or observed
Emily I called it won't
make you a bad person
because the only way to enjoy smoking
is to do it enough times
to become used to it.
The only way to try new drugs
is to open your mouth
and your veins.
I got high on Saturday.
It wasn't like I imagined at all
because I do not know
if I will do it again.
Emily she asks how do
you expect to feel
when you're so unsure about the future
that you cannot spread your fingers
far enough apart
to see the secrets
that are written between them?
How many times do I have to ask you
this question
before you finally
offer me an answer
that I will believe
you are saying
not for me
but only for yourself?
You are the only one who
can control
what will happen in your future
and if you choose to open yourself up
you will allow in many visitors
but always remember
that no one will come in
unless you forget the scars that
haven't arrived yet
and you open the door
to let yourself out
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
For some reason
last night I
pictured myself in the book
Naked Lunch
laying with my cheek pressed against the
sidewalk
a needle in my arm,
whispering to the wind
I only became addicted
when I was eighteen years old
when I was young enough
to try the world
but old enough to feel
and touch
and taste
the consequences.
The street is cold and hard
and soft and warm
and confusingly comforting
But God, I woke up this morning
and realized that
I am not kissing the asphalt
not yet
not yet
not
yet?
I told myself this morning
Emily, the only way to become addicted
is to put a needle in your own arm
and the only way to keep the addiction
is to let the needle come back.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Lately I’ve been
walking with tiny steps
in and out of reality.
I’ve taken deep breaths
that I’m unsure have been
based off of
the air that I have been used to breathing
for eighteen years
until yesterday.
I got high on Saturday
and instead of touching the sky
like I had always believed I would
instead of kissing the clouds
in a way that I always imagined,
I was floating
but only an inch above my body
conscious of the fact
that it was still moving
still blinking
and still breathing
even without me inside of it.
I don’t know whether I am still
feeling the effects
of sitting on the damp grass
in the darkness of
a saturday night in college
or whether
I am still conscious
or whether I am still dreaming
of the future
that has always been there
on the horizon
leading me to a place that
feels as far away from home
as it can but yet
can only be described to me
as the home that I will seek
from the future.
One thing I have always been most afraid of
is addiction.
I’ve always strayed away from things
that threaten me with
temptation of the word
forever
only because I have always been afraid of
the word itself.
For some reason
last night I
pictured myself in the book
Naked Lunch
laying with my cheek pressed against the
sidewalk
a needle in my arm,
whispering to the wind
all the words I have been dying to say
to tell about how I am addicted
because my life has always been
out of my own control.
But this morning when I woke
I told myself
Emily, the only way to become addicted
is to put a needle in your own arm
and the only way to keep the addiction
is to let the needle come back
and yet somehow I still cannot believe
that the only hands which hold my life
are my own
and there is nothing more than that fact
that I hate.
The only thing that I have been sure about lately
is that my thoughts are strange
and the only thing I have been unsure of lately
is whether or not they
are strange in the right way.
whether I will wake up in the morning of tomorrow
in a bed I have always dreamed of
or whether I will have to face
the failure of
what could have been
what would have been
what should have been
what everyone in my life
has always told me of
but never shown me
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