Addict

Sometimes I don’t

feel like I am myself

unless I take something to

the extreme.

The other night I

sat on my bed and

used my fingertips to

search for

drug addiction.

Heroin and crystal meth.

I was so interested,

I was addicted

to the knowledge,

I learned that in order to

become addicted to heroin

you have to see life in a way

that most people don’t

I learned that in order to

become addicted to crystal meth

you have to breathe life in a way

that most people don’t

and I learned that in order to

throw your life to the wolves

that will help you escape reality

you have to let

the needle or

the pipe

or the

a n y t h i n g

kiss your body with tenderness

just one time.

When you are addicted

to heroin

it’s funny because

you can stare at your shoe for

eight hours

and you can let your body

slowly fold itself in half

mimicking the action

a normal person would do with

agony

and it is nothing because

you feel like you have just

sunk into a warm bath.

and stars with smiles that warm you

are swimming through your

veins and they

stroke your blood stream

with a tenderness that is

the agony of folding yourself in half

when it leaves you.

When you are addicted

to crystal meth

it’s funny because

your laughter can become

your tears more quickly than

it takes you to blink

when you’re laughing so hard

you cry.

it’s a poison,

a real-life poison that is made

through human hands by

mixing already poisonous

things together until they

turn into lips that

speak of the

kiss of death.

I watched a documentary

that showed a woman

who needed so badly

to escape from her reality

she was not afraid

to jeopardize her

return to it.

She was such a

beautiful disaster,

walking around with

half a mind to put on

her shoes

and the other half to

take them off again.

She twitched like a

sick mental patient

and she was not afraid to

scratch her fingers until they

were bleeding

crying with red to

signify a stop

sign.

I’m still on my antibiotics

she said

gripping the air with a

tightness I have only seen from

people who are

about to turn

into stone.

I know I will never do heroin

or meth

or even want to be somewhere

where I am around it.

But I just,

i JUST

want to take that woman’s

hands and

hold them as tightly as

I know she would

hold mine

and I want to scream

in her ears

that I will never do

meth because I will

never be as weak

as weak as she must be.

But it’s just

it’s JUST that

I am not less weak than

she is and

oh my god it’s just

those wolves

that scare me.