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The light from the sun at about five o clock on a Sunday evening is the kind that can make magic. It makes one think about relaxed evenings and family and warm drinks, and as it highlights her hair I can’t help but smile and hope my eyes look as green as they feel. She’s so beautiful. As she claps her hands and runs just so I will chase her, I smile and wish I could feel that free. It’s hard to imagine a time when I wasn’t focused on other people’s opinions, and it’s funny because it’s not like anyone notices me anyway. But I notice her and I know that to her, tonight, I am the world, and somehow just that thought makes me feel okay. The grass seems softer somehow, and the orange glow is fading, but I still feel like smiling. I feel like tonight could last forever and it’s strange because for once I don’t need someone there to tell me that I’m fine and I’m still in reality because usually that’s what I need. But she’s like more than a drug to me, and I don’t understand how one person can have such an impact.

I’ve never understood the significance of one smile, but when I look at her and notice her baby teeth and her small hands and her gentle eyelashes I remember who I am and who I was, because one smile really did change me from what I was a long time ago to what I was a little while ago to what I am as of this moment. It’s funny because I don’t know what she’s smiling about and I don’t really see anything to smile about because who can smile in a world so cruel, but then again she’s freer than I’ve ever been. 

There's a path behind both of our houses

There’s a path behind both of our houses, and it’s one of our favorites. Sometimes, we just like to walk along it, and I swear there’s nothing better. She points out all of the little things, pulling me along and never letting go of my hand. I wonder what it feels like to be excited by the same moss on the same tree each time I see it, but I don’t think I can truly understand because I will never truly be able to see through her eyes.

Margot is the name of the little girl who is my neighbor. Her parents both work ten hour shifts each day to pay for the house and the tuition for her brothers’ college. It isn’t fair to her because she is just as special as they are, even if she was born a little bit later and little bit less planned.

They trust me to babysit her every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday after she comes home from preschool, and each day she tells me with the enthusiasm only a four-year-old can have about the games they played or the letters they learned.

We like to take walks on days neither of us is too tired, and sometimes we pack a sandwich for dinner and simply stay outside and explore. Our favorite game is I spy, and I think that she will grow up to be a brilliant scientist or something, because she is a child prodigy. I know I might be prejudiced, but sometimes I truly cannot see a single flaw in this beautiful child.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There’s a path behind both of our houses, but sometimes it’s simply too cold to walk along it. Weather here in Wisconsin plays quite a part in our lives, because the winters can be quite brutal.

Third grade has made Margot a little bit different, but I suppose we always knew that nothing can last the trials of time without an ounce of change. She has more homework than we’re used to, but it’s nothing we can’t figure out if we sit down and think about it. Occasionally I ask her to walk along the path with me, and she is always up for an adventure. But the moss on the trees is less exciting than the squirrels that scamper quickly up so high in the trees it appears they’ve entered a new universe.

She still holds my hand, because you never can tell when a root might jump out and try to trip us, and she trusts me to keep her safe more than her parents trust me to watch her more often because elementary school has proven to be an expense when it’s added to her cousin’s inherited high school tuition burden.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There’s a path behind both of our houses, and sometimes when Margot brings one of her fifth grade classmates home with her, all three of us walk along it. They collect leaves and ask me politely to hold onto them so we can add them to the scrapbook when we get home. Margot never forgets to squeeze my hand gently as she places another leaf identical to the fifty others in my palm.

We don’t go on the path as much though, because Margot is very busy most days, doing her best to get prepared for middle school. It’s a big step, she says, because she will finally be labeled as one of the big kids.

Though not everything is the same, I know Margot enjoys our Mondays and Tuesdays together because she always smiles and promises to make me cookies I know I will never taste.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There’s a path behind both of our houses, but we only go when the day is warm enough.

Seventh grade is kind of tough on Margot. She comes over each day after school because there are so many trials of middle school that I simply did not know about. It makes me happy that she wants to share her life with me, and I hope each day that she will always have something good to add to her woes. She always seems to find a little bit of sunshine because she hates to see me frown. Little does she know that she is my sunshine.

When we do walk on the path, she brings her sketchbook and we sit on our favorite bench. Sometimes she draws the trees and the moss, sometimes she draws the squirrels, and occasionally she finds a beautiful leaf that she will add in. But mostly, she likes to draw me. I don’t really understand why, but it makes me happy to know that she is doing something she enjoys, and I am willing to sit still for her. I never have been the fidgety type, so I guess I’m a pretty good model for her.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There’s a path behind both of our houses, but there are long breaks between our visits there. Margot is busy with eighth grade, but she still manages to stop by on Sundays, when she tells me all about her week. I’m happy that she still seems to enjoy my company, although it’s been a while since she’s drawn me. She likes to draw things from her imagination now, and it’s really cool to see what she comes up with. I don’t want to brag about her, but I think she has incredible potential and I know that whatever she does, she will be great.

I love to watch her as she speaks. She gets pretty into what she is saying, and I think it is the most fascinating thing how her eyes look off into space sometimes, as if her mind is somewhere completely different and much more interesting. She uses her hands to talk but I don’t think it is distracting at all.

When we manage to find time to go on the path, Margot tends to get a little quiet. She isn’t sad, I just believe she is thinking. She always tells me about her life at home when we return from the path, and I wonder how hard it is to see her parents fight like they do.

It doesn’t matter what she says to me, I love to listen, and offer advice where and when I can.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There’s a path behind both of our houses, but with freshman year coming to a close, we haven’t found time to walk on it in quite some time. Margot has so much to do, she’s part of six different clubs that she’s told me about, and I just don’t know how she does it.

Every other Thursday seems like a small amount of time I get to spend with Margot, but I don’t know how I could ever judge the time we have together, it’s too precious.

I certainly do love to look at her sketches, she’s become very passionate about them, and has been drawing almost every day. I sometimes wish I could find a passion like hers, but then again, in life, passion isn’t able to find everyone.

Her parents aren’t really what she likes to talk about, but her friends seem to take up a lot of room in her mind. I like that she has lots of friends in school; it makes me feel secure that she is happy there.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There’s a path behind both of our houses, and sometimes Margot asks if she can go there alone. She always pleads with me to wait for her, but I’m not sure why. She knows that I would wait a millennium if it meant I got to spend precious time with her.

She doesn’t ever talk about her family, and I haven’t heard much about her friends from last year, but it seems she’s found someone more worth her time—a boy. I fear she is spending too much time with him, since she can only come one or two Thursdays a month, and she doesn’t spend as much time with friends, but I have never been one to meddle, I’m more of a passive listener.

Her sketching is the only thing that has remained constant. She loves it and has filled up two sketchbooks in the last month! I love that she has such a wonderful talent and I hope she never forgets the joy it brings her.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There’s a path behind both of our houses, but Margot doesn’t ever want to go on a walk on it with me. I guess her junior year and the break-up with the boy are hitting her hard.

I haven’t heard anything about her friends, and the other day I had to hear about her parents’ nasty divorce from seeing Margot’s aunt at the mailbox.

She sketches more than ever now, but her drawings are becoming kind of dark. She says it’s the style, but I think it’s more of a phase. Sometimes I wish she would sketch me again, if only to see the smile she would get from telling me to stay still.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There’s a path behind both of our houses, but with my move I haven’t been able to get there in quite some time.

It’s the beginning of Margot’s senior year, but I haven’t heard anything from her about college. She never has been the planning type though, and I know that her advisors and everyone at school will help her more than I can, so I try not to worry.

I hope she enjoys her visits with me, I know it’s tougher with me in a farther location than a five minute walk. I love when she comes to talk to me, but she doesn’t smile as easily as she used to. I have to crack a lot of jokes to even get an acknowledgement. She stares off into space quite often, and I wonder what she is thinking. I hope she’s okay, but she never tells me what’s wrong, and I can’t see her as often as I’d like, what with her being so busy and me being stuck with no transportation.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There’s a path behind both of our houses, and I am walking along it today. It’s the day of Margot’s graduation, and I grip the piece of paper and pencil, gritting my teeth through the arthritis and walking to our bench.

I don’t know what to write, but all of a sudden I feel a raindrop slide gently down my cheek. Suddenly the words start to flow and I realize the rain is coming from my eyes. I don’t know how I will get the words out, but I know that for Margot’s sake, I have to write.

Something is resting on my bed, and it hurts to realize I didn’t see it coming. The warning signs were evident when she said premature goodbyes and gave all her possessions away, but the thing she saved for last was for me. Her sketchbook swallows my feelings and makes me wonder with numbness why she didn’t think I would protect her. I wish only to hold her hand one more time and protect her from the roots that nudged their way into her brain. A life given up is no guarantee for eternal salvation.

She’s gone but it’s not the way she should have left.

Because today is her graduation and I’m writing a eulogy instead of a congratulatory speech. 

Amanda Todd

Look, what happened to her is terrible. There are some bad people out there ad it wasn't fair because she only made one simple mistake.

The thing that bothers me is the fact that she is glorified. Yes, it's Terrible she died and no she didn't deserve all that she got, but the fact is that she was no angel, and in her death she became more famous than she ever would have been in life. What kind of message is that? You kill yourself and all the mistakes you've made are trivial and everyone else gets the blame for pushing you to that point.

Another thing: she's not the only teen to commit suicide. Not even close to the only one. But her looks set her apart. She was a pretty girl and that makes her famous. A pretty girl kills herself and all of a sudden she was the most beautiful girl in the world. An ugly girl kills herself and oh it's such a shame, too bad for her family.

But that's not even the thing that bothers me the most. What I can't seem to get past is the fact that in dying, she gained more friends than she would have imagined. Maybe the first few we're actually friends of hers, but the ones who followed were simply that: followers. When Amanda was actually suffering, no one was there for her, she stated that. So it's a waste to talk about how sad it was and how much you wish you could've changed things. The fact is that you can't, and you weren't there when you could have.

I just wish people would remember the people who died to honor them, but I spend their focus on trying to help the kids now. There are and always will be kids in need. It just will take some time and energy to help them. Why work for the already dead:a lost cause? Help people now so that there are no more Amandas.

in other news though

this may sound kind of weird, but i'm going with it anyways.

Today at work, i was sitting in the lifeguard chair, and a ladybug landed on the guard tube. And usually i despise all kinds of bugs, even butterflies. But i had this idea, that i should let it crawl on my finger. So i did.

And it was amazing. i may sound like a freak when i say this, but it was just this incredible moment where i felt so much wonder, that i could have something so tiny and fragile on my hand, something so unique, and beautiful, a living, breathing creature walking gently across the abyss that was my palm. And it was just incredible, because i wasn't scared, i just felt lucky. That this ladybug would choose me to climb on, that i was the one who was lucky and facing my fears and such. And now i'm not afraid of ladybugs.

So i'm going to write a poem.

ladybug 

She crawls gently across my palm, 
conquering what she believes is a mountain. 
So sweet, 
so small, 
so gentle i feel nothing but wonder. 
I've done it. 
i've put a ladybug on my hand, and i'm not afraid. 
It's beautiful, the way i feel. 
powerful, like nothing can touch me. 
She's like a charm, 
a jewel of good luck and bravery. 

Congratulations, you've seen it. 
You've captured that feeling few people get to experience. 
something so small, and yet it's so big. 
so beautiful, like the first spring flower
gentle like a september breeze. 

I love this place where she takes me. 
and when she lifts her wings to take flight, 
i smile and can't stop. 
Thank you, 
i whisper. 
Your good luck is what saves me. 

hi

today was not a good day.

it was one of those days where you're sad, but you can't exactly figure out why. Nothing devastatingly disappointing happened, but you're still left feeling disappointed and unfulfilled. That was my day. And i don't know, but i'm just sad. Like i just want to sit in my room all night and listen to sad music and eat chocolate and look at couple posts on tumblr and feel bad about myself. But that will only result in me feeling bad about myself, and there will be no solution and i won't feel any better.

It's just so frustrating. Pretty much everything. Having to find a homecoming date, finding a guy I actually like and he doesn't like me, or finding a guy who does like me, but he moves on before anything even happens. I just don't know what i can do to make things better. Like, i'm so tired of stepping out of my comfort zone, it's really hard and makes me nervous but i'm just so tired of having to do it. i'm just tired. i don't want to go to school tomorrow. or the next day. but i don't want to sit at home either. There's nothing there, nothing here at home, nobody that i really want to see. Life's just boring, and i'm left feeling left out and unhappy.
the end

Boys

Hello. This is a post about relationships and love and what I'm thinking at the moment.
I've always wondered about those relationships that last for 50+ years.
I mean, I've never really experienced or seen such a successful relationship. Like what does it look like? A relationship where the people are still together because they still love each other, not because the relationship is familiar. I've never really seen that, besides in movies. A couple who loves and flirts and that clearly still has that spark. And that makes me kind of scared.

I'm used to somebody in the relationship getting tired of the other somebody, of one of them moving on before the other one. And I'm not trying to be sexist when I say I think of it as being the guy. Itt just makes sense to me, that the guy will get bored first, and move in first.

It doesn't help that I have experience with this. No, not being married for so long, but with me getting attached and the guy moving on. Before anything really happens, but still hurtful. And I've always blamed myself. Wondered what it was I did wrong this time, wondering how long it will take me to love on. It's hard and it's made me wary. I'm afraid to get too attached but it's so easy for my hopes to rise so quickly. And I'm nervous and I think I have to move fast because they could be moving on any second. Getting tired if me, wanting only to be rid of me. And it makes r really really hard for me to convince myself that things will work out this time. I hope, but in the back of my kind I'm always thinking that it will end like all the others, quick and devastating. It's hard. That's all.

hello.

Everything in my life has changed.

i can't say that i am at all even close to the person i was last year. and, i honestly don't know whether or not that is for the better. maybe in some aspects, it is. and in other aspects, it really isn't.

first of all, my appearance. it is one hundred percent different. I don't look at all like the person i looked like a year ago today. Not only do i not have braces or glasses, but i honestly think that i have picked up some confidence along the way. and that makes me feel like, i don't know, that i'm a more likeable person. that sounds totally cocky, but i don't mean it that way. i just honestly think i am a better person for being able to be a little more comfortable in my own skin. It makes me open up more easily, helps me to make new friends. and so that is a good thing that has changed.

one thing that has changed that i don't like is the fact that i never write anymore. i used to write all the time. used to write my problems down in little rants, on this website and on other websites, in documents on my computer, even in the stupid little diary that my aunt gave to me when i was about 7 years old. and, i don't do that anymore. it's funny though, because there is so much more to think, and talk about, rant about, analyze. maybe its better that i'm not so analogical and obsessive about everything that happens to me, but the thing i'm really upset about is the fact that i don't write for fun anymore. i haven't sat down and wrote a short story, or just something i had from inspiration anymore. i really used to enjoy that. it made me happy, it helped me relieve stress, it really just....made an impact on me. and i'm sad that i don't do it anymore.

friends. friends have changed. miles separate me from the people i was close to last year. all the people on my swim team, in my group, that i used to hang out with every weekend. i honestly don't know what would happen if i tried to recreate that this year, but i know it would be weird, and different, and it wouldn't be fun like it was. there are just too many changes and things that have happened to try and force things back to the way they used to be. not to mention that this year i got into my first actual fight with someone that yeah, i would have called one of my best friends. (if you're reading this katelyn, you win. i'm talking about you on the internet.) but i won't say anything bad about you. what's the point? all it ever does is come back to me, and cause drama. so yes, i am sad that i lost someone i would have called my best friend. and yes, sometimes i do think about what would happen if i became friends with her again. of course i do, how could i not? and of course sometimes old pictures pop up, on facebook, or old text messages, or whatever. it's not my fault that sometimes i relive the memories. but if i am sure of anything in this world, it's that i do not want to try and become friends with her again. i feel like such a different person now, and i don't think i would like reverting back to my old friendship and risk changing the person i am now.

finally, swimming. i don't think i have a final decision about how i feel about swimming. sometimes all i want to do is quit. how much progress am i really making? how much do i really enjoy it lately? and then other days i feel in love with it like i used to. that i know i want to keep doing it and i never want to stop.

i don't think i would ever have been able to predict my life, but i know i never would have suspected it to be anything like it is now.

ill write more soon, i promise!!

Since when did efficiency become more important than morality? Jesus.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feedlot

I just don't understand how we got this way. I mean, i'm all for efficiency and food production, and god knows i could never be a vegetarian, but the fact that most of these animals are raised being fed unhealthy grain to begin with? And i don't really know much about this anyway, and i know we should eat animals and i know i know i know, i just find something so wrong with this. just like i don't really like genetic engineering. I like the idea of the golden rice, but i just don't think it's right for us to decide to create what we eat. things grow on this earth, shouldn't that be enough for us? there are so many creatures on this earth. we are one of many many many. and we shouldn't be able to get rid of so many other creatures just to save ourselves. and i'm a hypocrite, god knows, and i eat so much meat that is probably from those cows and chickens from above. and i support corporation just as much as anyone else. i just hate money and greed and hunger and injustice and racism and everything that is so wrong with the world. And i wish that i could have been raised on a self-sustained farm somewhere out of this country out of this world. Because humans disgust me, yet i am one. we just have this need to satisfy ourselves. and we don't care about the consequences. and god i just don't know what to say i just know that i want to see some good, somewhere. there is so much that could be done, and all most americans do is tsk tsk and shake their heads and feel a tug on their heartstrings, thinking about how they can't do anything. we should do something. we need to. we need to get rid of the greed, we need to actually do something to help ourselves. and i'm so hypocritical. but i'm trying not to be. and i just don't know. we need change. but its already too late. theres nothing we can do. because the image that is out there is false. i just hate people. i hate greedy corporations and helpful corporations and convenience, and i wish we could all go back to the stone age, when the human impact was minimal and wasn't destroying the universe. and environmental checks actually worked, and we knew enough about the environment to trust each other and tolerate it. GOD HELP US ALL BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY ARE HELPING OURSELVES.

i have a theory

what if we aren't the first?

we aren't God's first creations. he's created other planets, other universes, with all of the same resources, just to see how we use them. He put us here, with an earth that produces natural life with natural cycles and natural controls. He presents chemicals, substances that can be used, in a limited amount, to make our lives easier. he sees us time and time again take advantage of these resources, thinking not about our long term future, but instead of our immediate future. Our selfish wants and needs overpower the needs of the universe around us. So what if we expel toxins that destroy our ozone, no problem if we create carcinogens that wipe us out.

and eventually, like always, we destroy ourselves. we kill off our animals. we overuse our natural resources. we destroy life and its natural processes, just to suit our selfish wants. and each time, God wonders if this next one will be different. He wonders whether or not this universe will finally succeed and make itself sustainable.

because you can't just introduce some intelligence to some creatures. he wants to. somehow he wants to expel the exact right force of energy and knowledge into creatures that makes them know enough to figure out how to be sustainable, but not enough to not need him anymore. he introduces limiting factors, and we find ways around some of them, but causing our own demise.

it's such a vicious cycle that we don't even know how to turn around and recognize it.

and each time, the earth is destroyed.

STORY TIME FOR THIS ONE YES MA'AM AND SIR.

Jersey shore.

Who'd have ever thought that jersey shore would ever be the inspiration for me to write something on this beautiful little blog?

Wll it happened.

This jersey shore post is about vinny, and why he decided to leave the house.

I think it was a wise decision, personally. Apparently he had issues with anxiety and depression,and though I don't completely follow him in the depression areas, I completely understand the areas with anxiety. And anxiety attacks. Because I have had issues with anxiety in the past,andi have had my fair share of panic/anxiety attacks.

And I must say, panic attacks are one of the worst things in the world. Yu just feel helpless' scared, like nothing anyone says or does will be able to make you feel better.

Nw I don't know what it was that triggered vinnys problems, but I know what my biggest fears were and the biggest thing I struggled with coping with was my irrational fear of throwing up. Irrational, and I know now that it was irrational, and ikew then that it was irrational. And it was the absolute worst feeling in the world to know that I s being troubled, having such a problem with something that no one else seemed to have such problems with. I felt weird, stupid, helpless. Because no matter where I was, no matter what time of day or night it was, I always seemed to have these problems, the feeling too hot, the nausea, the headaches, anything that could be labeled as a du ton for the stomach flu, or some sort of stomach virus, I seemed to inherit it any time of any day.

I think the very worst part of it was the fact that it made me feel so helpless. It's weird to say I know, but I always felt like my fate, the fate f whether or not I was going to throw up, rested in the hands of god. He was the one who would decided whether or not to torture me by making me actually heave forth something I had previously eaten. And I found myself begging m, pleading for him to protect me and keep me well.

It didn't seem to work. N, I never threw up, but I always seemed to feel sick. I nvere really felt quite right.

I tried everything, EVERYTHING to try and cure myself of this disease, this awful feeling of
panic I had at all times. And nothing seemed to work for me. I tried to reason with myself, tried to have my mo talk to me, we went to doctors to see if it actually was something wrong wi my stomach that made me feel awful all the time. But nothing worked.

You know what did work? Growing up. It freed me. Somehow, when I stopped thinking about it, the throwing up fear just snuck away from me. I don't know how, why, when, but I'm grateful its gone.

I wouldn't wish panic attacks on my worst enemy. They're awful, it's your own mind playing tricks an torturing you, just like in the saw movies. And it's al, too real because your mind knows all of the thing that plague you. But I'm really grateful it happened, because I wouldn't be the person I am today without these experiences behind me.

And so I completely sympathize with vinny. Panic attacks are the scariest thing out there, and I credit him for trying so hard to stick with it, with staying in his normal life as long. He could before he had to go home. Ad I know that, just like me, he will get past it.

Panic never wins, As long as you never let it.

seriously, i am so sick of people telling me that everything i do is so easy.

NO ITS NOT.

until you live a day in the life of me and do all of the things that i do, you need to shut the f up because you have no idea.

i'm not saying that i live the hardest life out there, but i'm also not saying that my life is the easiest.

i excercise EVERY DAY. i take ap classes EVERY DAY. and don't tell me my exercise isn't hard, don't tell me my classes aren't hard, don't you dare, because that is so not true. You have absolutely no idea what i do or how i feel or how hard it is. my classes are hard i have a lot of homework, and i am so sick and tired of people telling me that i have it easy. because i don't. not to mention that my family life situation is pretty much a disaster, don't tell me that i have it so easy because i go to a private school, or because i belong to an expensive swim team, just stop right there. i am not rich, nor have i ever been anywhere close to rich. i WORK and get MONEY to buy what i want. yes, i am fortunate enough that my mom pays for my tuition to go to expensive private school, but its not like i don't hear about it everyday, how hard it is and how much we have to give up to give me this education.

and not to mention how hard it will be in college. i'm going to have a ridiculous amount of student loans, and who knows when i will pay them off. and i will probably have to pay for my own car, and my own books and ALLLL of that. because, first of all, my mom is not even close to rich, she will be struggling to pay for my tuition to college. and, second of all, because my dad refused, and told me directly that he was not going to be involved in paying for any part of my college tuition. so i can count for nothing there. who knows whats going to happen when i go to college but i know it WONT BE EASY.

and dont you dare tell me that my family life is easy. especially if your parents are still together and you have never had to deal with separation/divorce/etc. every time i want to spend time with my mom or dad, i have to make a choice, and every single time i disappoint someone, and EVERY TIME i hear about it. someone is complaining about someone else. someone doesn't approve of someone else and what they do, WHATEVER. you think it is so easy for me to sit around and just listen to everyone else play the blame game, listen to how my dad forced me to miss all the holiday time with my moms side of the family while my dad complains about how my moms side of the family directly stole time from him. NO. ITS NOT EASY. not even close. and it makes me so angry and confused, because i feel like i can never make the right decision, not the one that will please everyone. and whether i call, or write stupid thank you notes or not, i always, pretty much ALWAYS get chewed out about it. so shut up and stop telling me that is easy.

and i take two ap classes and all the rest honors classes. even math, which i suck at. BECAUSE MATH IS NOT EASY. i could be in algebra two part 1, but no, i took the hard route, meaning i am in the hard math now and i am suffering because of it now. that is NOT EASY so shut up. i get much more homework than people think i do, and sometimes i just don't think i can handle it all. and it makes me so upset because all my mom does is yell at me and tell me how much i suck and how i will barely be able to get into hcc with the grades i have. its not easy to hear that and all i can think is: what the hell am i doing, im a failure. but i'm not and im trying, im really trying. that's not easy, so shut up.

don't you dare tell me that my exercise is easy. IT IS  NOT. i work my ass off. all the time. in swimming, in running, in training for triathlons, which is pretty good, i think. i don't know any other sixteen year old girls who participate in triathlons, who plan to be doing them at the olympic length in a year. no. i know no one who does that. so STOP telling me that what i am doing is so easy. it is not, and you have no idea because you don't do it. you don't understand it, and you never will.

i am just so sick and tired of everyone assuming that everything i do comes to me so easily. it doesn't. i have to work to get what i want, whether it's grades, exercise, or things i want to buy. i dont have a credit card, pretty much anything i buy is from my debit card, from my checking account in the bank. and if i got a credit card, i doubt that if i got into trouble my mom would be able to bail me out. maybe she would, but that would just put her in a bigger problematic situation, and i do not want that.

that's another thing that isn't easy for me. i constantly have to look out for my mom. because if i don't, no one else will. nobody in my family at least. they'll make sure she doesn't fall down the steps or anything really serious like that, but basically everyone is so selfish that they can't sit up and look at how much she really needs them. and that sucks because then all of a sudden that whole responsibility falls onto my shoulders. and its so hard, SO hard to sit there and know that i am all my mom has, and that if i fail, she fails too. do you know how much PRESSURE that is? alot. so stop telling me that i have it so easy. everyone. everyone keeps telling me that and i am so sick of it, i want to punch something.

my life is no walk in the park. i work really hard to get what i want, trying to have goals and accomplish them while struggling to keep up my grades, swimming skills, and social life. it's hard. and it's hard to be a teenager in general, without so much stress. i'm so sick of it. so stop judging me and assuming that nothing is hard for me, because, chances are, you're a spoiled rich kid who is just judging. or some selfish jerk who assumes that everyone has it easier than they have it. i try so hard to keep up the image that everything is cool, but it's so not. SHUT UP. get out. you think it's easy for me? then try being me, you'll love it.