Who'd have ever thought that jersey shore would ever be the inspiration for me to write something on this beautiful little blog?
Wll it happened.
This jersey shore post is about vinny, and why he decided to leave the house.
I think it was a wise decision, personally. Apparently he had issues with anxiety and depression,and though I don't completely follow him in the depression areas, I completely understand the areas with anxiety. And anxiety attacks. Because I have had issues with anxiety in the past,andi have had my fair share of panic/anxiety attacks.
And I must say, panic attacks are one of the worst things in the world. Yu just feel helpless' scared, like nothing anyone says or does will be able to make you feel better.
Nw I don't know what it was that triggered vinnys problems, but I know what my biggest fears were and the biggest thing I struggled with coping with was my irrational fear of throwing up. Irrational, and I know now that it was irrational, and ikew then that it was irrational. And it was the absolute worst feeling in the world to know that I s being troubled, having such a problem with something that no one else seemed to have such problems with. I felt weird, stupid, helpless. Because no matter where I was, no matter what time of day or night it was, I always seemed to have these problems, the feeling too hot, the nausea, the headaches, anything that could be labeled as a du ton for the stomach flu, or some sort of stomach virus, I seemed to inherit it any time of any day.
I think the very worst part of it was the fact that it made me feel so helpless. It's weird to say I know, but I always felt like my fate, the fate f whether or not I was going to throw up, rested in the hands of god. He was the one who would decided whether or not to torture me by making me actually heave forth something I had previously eaten. And I found myself begging m, pleading for him to protect me and keep me well.
It didn't seem to work. N, I never threw up, but I always seemed to feel sick. I nvere really felt quite right.
I tried everything, EVERYTHING to try and cure myself of this disease, this awful feeling of
panic I had at all times. And nothing seemed to work for me. I tried to reason with myself, tried to have my mo talk to me, we went to doctors to see if it actually was something wrong wi my stomach that made me feel awful all the time. But nothing worked.
You know what did work? Growing up. It freed me. Somehow, when I stopped thinking about it, the throwing up fear just snuck away from me. I don't know how, why, when, but I'm grateful its gone.
I wouldn't wish panic attacks on my worst enemy. They're awful, it's your own mind playing tricks an torturing you, just like in the saw movies. And it's al, too real because your mind knows all of the thing that plague you. But I'm really grateful it happened, because I wouldn't be the person I am today without these experiences behind me.
And so I completely sympathize with vinny. Panic attacks are the scariest thing out there, and I credit him for trying so hard to stick with it, with staying in his normal life as long. He could before he had to go home. Ad I know that, just like me, he will get past it.
Panic never wins, As long as you never let it.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
seriously, i am so sick of people telling me that everything i do is so easy.
NO ITS NOT.
until you live a day in the life of me and do all of the things that i do, you need to shut the f up because you have no idea.
i'm not saying that i live the hardest life out there, but i'm also not saying that my life is the easiest.
i excercise EVERY DAY. i take ap classes EVERY DAY. and don't tell me my exercise isn't hard, don't tell me my classes aren't hard, don't you dare, because that is so not true. You have absolutely no idea what i do or how i feel or how hard it is. my classes are hard i have a lot of homework, and i am so sick and tired of people telling me that i have it easy. because i don't. not to mention that my family life situation is pretty much a disaster, don't tell me that i have it so easy because i go to a private school, or because i belong to an expensive swim team, just stop right there. i am not rich, nor have i ever been anywhere close to rich. i WORK and get MONEY to buy what i want. yes, i am fortunate enough that my mom pays for my tuition to go to expensive private school, but its not like i don't hear about it everyday, how hard it is and how much we have to give up to give me this education.
and not to mention how hard it will be in college. i'm going to have a ridiculous amount of student loans, and who knows when i will pay them off. and i will probably have to pay for my own car, and my own books and ALLLL of that. because, first of all, my mom is not even close to rich, she will be struggling to pay for my tuition to college. and, second of all, because my dad refused, and told me directly that he was not going to be involved in paying for any part of my college tuition. so i can count for nothing there. who knows whats going to happen when i go to college but i know it WONT BE EASY.
and dont you dare tell me that my family life is easy. especially if your parents are still together and you have never had to deal with separation/divorce/etc. every time i want to spend time with my mom or dad, i have to make a choice, and every single time i disappoint someone, and EVERY TIME i hear about it. someone is complaining about someone else. someone doesn't approve of someone else and what they do, WHATEVER. you think it is so easy for me to sit around and just listen to everyone else play the blame game, listen to how my dad forced me to miss all the holiday time with my moms side of the family while my dad complains about how my moms side of the family directly stole time from him. NO. ITS NOT EASY. not even close. and it makes me so angry and confused, because i feel like i can never make the right decision, not the one that will please everyone. and whether i call, or write stupid thank you notes or not, i always, pretty much ALWAYS get chewed out about it. so shut up and stop telling me that is easy.
and i take two ap classes and all the rest honors classes. even math, which i suck at. BECAUSE MATH IS NOT EASY. i could be in algebra two part 1, but no, i took the hard route, meaning i am in the hard math now and i am suffering because of it now. that is NOT EASY so shut up. i get much more homework than people think i do, and sometimes i just don't think i can handle it all. and it makes me so upset because all my mom does is yell at me and tell me how much i suck and how i will barely be able to get into hcc with the grades i have. its not easy to hear that and all i can think is: what the hell am i doing, im a failure. but i'm not and im trying, im really trying. that's not easy, so shut up.
don't you dare tell me that my exercise is easy. IT IS NOT. i work my ass off. all the time. in swimming, in running, in training for triathlons, which is pretty good, i think. i don't know any other sixteen year old girls who participate in triathlons, who plan to be doing them at the olympic length in a year. no. i know no one who does that. so STOP telling me that what i am doing is so easy. it is not, and you have no idea because you don't do it. you don't understand it, and you never will.
i am just so sick and tired of everyone assuming that everything i do comes to me so easily. it doesn't. i have to work to get what i want, whether it's grades, exercise, or things i want to buy. i dont have a credit card, pretty much anything i buy is from my debit card, from my checking account in the bank. and if i got a credit card, i doubt that if i got into trouble my mom would be able to bail me out. maybe she would, but that would just put her in a bigger problematic situation, and i do not want that.
that's another thing that isn't easy for me. i constantly have to look out for my mom. because if i don't, no one else will. nobody in my family at least. they'll make sure she doesn't fall down the steps or anything really serious like that, but basically everyone is so selfish that they can't sit up and look at how much she really needs them. and that sucks because then all of a sudden that whole responsibility falls onto my shoulders. and its so hard, SO hard to sit there and know that i am all my mom has, and that if i fail, she fails too. do you know how much PRESSURE that is? alot. so stop telling me that i have it so easy. everyone. everyone keeps telling me that and i am so sick of it, i want to punch something.
my life is no walk in the park. i work really hard to get what i want, trying to have goals and accomplish them while struggling to keep up my grades, swimming skills, and social life. it's hard. and it's hard to be a teenager in general, without so much stress. i'm so sick of it. so stop judging me and assuming that nothing is hard for me, because, chances are, you're a spoiled rich kid who is just judging. or some selfish jerk who assumes that everyone has it easier than they have it. i try so hard to keep up the image that everything is cool, but it's so not. SHUT UP. get out. you think it's easy for me? then try being me, you'll love it.
until you live a day in the life of me and do all of the things that i do, you need to shut the f up because you have no idea.
i'm not saying that i live the hardest life out there, but i'm also not saying that my life is the easiest.
i excercise EVERY DAY. i take ap classes EVERY DAY. and don't tell me my exercise isn't hard, don't tell me my classes aren't hard, don't you dare, because that is so not true. You have absolutely no idea what i do or how i feel or how hard it is. my classes are hard i have a lot of homework, and i am so sick and tired of people telling me that i have it easy. because i don't. not to mention that my family life situation is pretty much a disaster, don't tell me that i have it so easy because i go to a private school, or because i belong to an expensive swim team, just stop right there. i am not rich, nor have i ever been anywhere close to rich. i WORK and get MONEY to buy what i want. yes, i am fortunate enough that my mom pays for my tuition to go to expensive private school, but its not like i don't hear about it everyday, how hard it is and how much we have to give up to give me this education.
and not to mention how hard it will be in college. i'm going to have a ridiculous amount of student loans, and who knows when i will pay them off. and i will probably have to pay for my own car, and my own books and ALLLL of that. because, first of all, my mom is not even close to rich, she will be struggling to pay for my tuition to college. and, second of all, because my dad refused, and told me directly that he was not going to be involved in paying for any part of my college tuition. so i can count for nothing there. who knows whats going to happen when i go to college but i know it WONT BE EASY.
and dont you dare tell me that my family life is easy. especially if your parents are still together and you have never had to deal with separation/divorce/etc. every time i want to spend time with my mom or dad, i have to make a choice, and every single time i disappoint someone, and EVERY TIME i hear about it. someone is complaining about someone else. someone doesn't approve of someone else and what they do, WHATEVER. you think it is so easy for me to sit around and just listen to everyone else play the blame game, listen to how my dad forced me to miss all the holiday time with my moms side of the family while my dad complains about how my moms side of the family directly stole time from him. NO. ITS NOT EASY. not even close. and it makes me so angry and confused, because i feel like i can never make the right decision, not the one that will please everyone. and whether i call, or write stupid thank you notes or not, i always, pretty much ALWAYS get chewed out about it. so shut up and stop telling me that is easy.
and i take two ap classes and all the rest honors classes. even math, which i suck at. BECAUSE MATH IS NOT EASY. i could be in algebra two part 1, but no, i took the hard route, meaning i am in the hard math now and i am suffering because of it now. that is NOT EASY so shut up. i get much more homework than people think i do, and sometimes i just don't think i can handle it all. and it makes me so upset because all my mom does is yell at me and tell me how much i suck and how i will barely be able to get into hcc with the grades i have. its not easy to hear that and all i can think is: what the hell am i doing, im a failure. but i'm not and im trying, im really trying. that's not easy, so shut up.
don't you dare tell me that my exercise is easy. IT IS NOT. i work my ass off. all the time. in swimming, in running, in training for triathlons, which is pretty good, i think. i don't know any other sixteen year old girls who participate in triathlons, who plan to be doing them at the olympic length in a year. no. i know no one who does that. so STOP telling me that what i am doing is so easy. it is not, and you have no idea because you don't do it. you don't understand it, and you never will.
i am just so sick and tired of everyone assuming that everything i do comes to me so easily. it doesn't. i have to work to get what i want, whether it's grades, exercise, or things i want to buy. i dont have a credit card, pretty much anything i buy is from my debit card, from my checking account in the bank. and if i got a credit card, i doubt that if i got into trouble my mom would be able to bail me out. maybe she would, but that would just put her in a bigger problematic situation, and i do not want that.
that's another thing that isn't easy for me. i constantly have to look out for my mom. because if i don't, no one else will. nobody in my family at least. they'll make sure she doesn't fall down the steps or anything really serious like that, but basically everyone is so selfish that they can't sit up and look at how much she really needs them. and that sucks because then all of a sudden that whole responsibility falls onto my shoulders. and its so hard, SO hard to sit there and know that i am all my mom has, and that if i fail, she fails too. do you know how much PRESSURE that is? alot. so stop telling me that i have it so easy. everyone. everyone keeps telling me that and i am so sick of it, i want to punch something.
my life is no walk in the park. i work really hard to get what i want, trying to have goals and accomplish them while struggling to keep up my grades, swimming skills, and social life. it's hard. and it's hard to be a teenager in general, without so much stress. i'm so sick of it. so stop judging me and assuming that nothing is hard for me, because, chances are, you're a spoiled rich kid who is just judging. or some selfish jerk who assumes that everyone has it easier than they have it. i try so hard to keep up the image that everything is cool, but it's so not. SHUT UP. get out. you think it's easy for me? then try being me, you'll love it.
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