Six word stories 4

"put a coat on, you're cold."

six word story 2.

i'd like to seem profound.....
damn.

six word story.

dreams or bust!
great harvest lust.

autobiography haiku

I stare into his eyes. He means the world to me. More than the world. He’s been there for everything, when I was laughing, when I was crying.. I can’t stand the thought of losing him, and that’s what makes this moment so emotional. His eyes look puzzled, as if he isn’t sure whether I’m upset with him or not. I smile, tears filling my eyes at the relief of seeing him again when I thought I had lost him. “Come on buddy,” I say, waving his leash. “Let’s go for a walk.”

seriously can't wait to go to college.

i'm just so done with harford county and maryland and all the people here. i just wanna try something different. ok.

just stalked my flickr.

i miss photography.

i miss taking pictures and getting home and editing them and looking forward to showing them off to the world.

i swear to god i can't keep a main priority for more than two days. First i want to be a photographer, then a writer, then an animal ecologist, then a human ecologist.

fuq all dat. i really sincerely think i know what i want to do now. i want to travel the world, taking pictures and writing about what i see. for money, i can either write for a magazine, or start saving money now. i don't know yet. all i know is that i am happiest when i am doing one of three things: writing, taking pictures, or swimming. all while listening to moooosic. i love it. and all these things and i know they will have to be in my life in the future.

it's scary to think about, but my future is right around the corner. yet it's exhilarating. i can't wait for college, for meeting new people, seeing new places, doing new things. i don't know where i want to go yet, but i know that i have to get to paris as soon as possible. every day is a day away, opportunities missed, museums i need to see, etc. cheesy but, i just miss it. anything and everything about it.

i don't know how i will do without my mom yet. without cinnamon, without bob, without my kittiez: cosmo and grace. i honestly dont know. all i know is that i just want so much, and every day i try to get a little bit closer to something while getting a little further away from something else.

i swear i just don't know. just let everything be okay.

oh okay.

All i want is one simple relationship.

just something calm, predictable, easy to deal with, stress-free relationship. it doesn't have to be the person i am sooo inlove with. just somebody i like, someone i enjoy spending time with.

because i am sooo sick of what i have now. which is stupid and unpredictable and confusing and I DONT KNOW UGH.

we freaking know we like each other.

why does it have to be this stupid why do you like only text me sometimes, and then you say hi to me and act like you're gonna talk to me but then you walk away and i don't know its just so stupid and complicated and i want it to simplifyy asap. figure out what you want.

well i guess i'm kind of a hypocrite. i don't really know what i want, and i guess i do the same to you. GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

why can't i just like someone who will go out with me and we can have a nice, healthy relationship like the ones they taught me to look for in health class whyyyyyyy? i don't like this. i hate this. and god im just so sick and tired of feeling so inadequate and weird and i dont know i just dont know and i just want to knowwww. god almighty.

i don't want hot and cold and sometimes talking to me and sometimes not i just want routine and happiness and calmness and TO BE SURE. i'm sick of being on the fence and ok i don't know what else to say ok.

why am i such a social reject on the internet?

i am constantly questioning whether the internet is incredibly fake or incredibly real. i really don't know. i think it's more fake, but it sure feels real. 

just like the feeling that i am an antisocial friendless freak on the internet feels real. 

let's start with twitter. i have like thirty followers. which was pretty good, i though. until i realized that everyone else has like 90-200 followers. oh. all of a sudden i feel pathetic. i guess like nobody really cares what i have to say all of the time. not as big a deal though, because i don't really follow that many people that would follow me back anyway. 

tumblr. i have like 88 followers. everyone else has like 200. oh. great. okay. little more pathetic. i guess. what am i doing wrong on this place where no one knows me or my antisocial self? i don't really know. 

facebook. i hate this stupid crappy social networking site. all it does is make me feel pathetic and inadequate because no one likes my statuses, no one likes my pictures, no one comments things like "omg so preeeettyy! love you bestfriend<3" on my pictures. i don't know what i'm doing wrong here either. 

im not going to be stupid and commit suicide or anything. it just sucks. i just feel stupid. and unpopular. oh but what else is new?? ok. im unpopular, and weird, and no one is interested in what i have to think or say. okay. bye. 

hi.

it's been a while, i'm so sorry.

i know what i want to do. It's a mixture of confusing feelings between the previous post and this one: but what i want to study is ecology. i want to travel the world, i want to make a difference. i want so badly to impact life, to know that what im doing is the right thing, to know to feel that i am changing lives, and changing my own life.

My dad said that i have to find a balance between what i want to do and what will make me money. and if you're reading this right now dad, i'm sorry for what i am about to say.

I completely disagree with you. You are wrong, simply that. at least in my eyes, you're wrong. I am not interested in finding something that will make me a lot of money, which will, in turn, make me happy, get me a happy lifestyle. that is a stupid assumption and i refuse to live by it. i want to be happy in what i am doing, not happy with the personal product (i.e. material possessions, etc.) that what i am doing produces. I love you dad, forever and to the moon and back, but i do not want to be you. i do not want to end up like you. in a marriage where i constantly question the love, whether it is true or whether it was based upon what i thought i should be thinking. does that make sense? i want to wake up every morning and know that i am happy with everything i am and everything i am doing. i don't want to end up with regrets, with bitterness, constantly going back to the past and wondering what i could have done better. the past wasn't good to you dad, i know that. and i know you want to kick it in the face, step on all the people who bullied you, by showing them how successful you are now, with a beautiful wife, a great house, a great job, and lots of money.

but take a look at yourself. you aren't truly, truly happy, are you? you don't seem like it. i believe you are happy. but i don't believe you are truly happy. you need something, that wow factor, that thing that makes you get up in the morning looking forward to all the things your day will bring. and that i what i want. i would rather wake up in a crappy motel in the middle of india, knowing that i would be able to study the slums and MAKE A DIFFERENCE than wake up with a bunch of money next to me, knowing that i could spend it, but all i would be making a difference in would be my dependence on the market. i don't want that. i want to feel. with my heart. i want to engage myself in my work, wholeheartedly. because that is why God put us on this earth. he put us here not so we could barter and trade and gain money and lose money and get high and drink and party and have babies and sex and have a good time. if he had, there wouldn't be such bad consequences for lives spent on these things. he put us here to make a difference. in ourselves, and in the world around us.

so no, i will not look at a job that kind of makes me feel happy. i want to be in something that makes me truly happy. i want to wake up every morning and smile. the first thing i want to think is: i can't wait for today. and that won't be everyday, i know. but i want it to be most days. and i don't care, i genuinely don't give a shit if i have to spend years as a waitress, as a housekeeper, whatever, to get there. i won't sleep with anyone to get a job, i won't kiss ass, i won't do stupid shit. and i know that's how you get places, but if that's how i get something, then i don't want it. i want an honest living made the honest way and i want to enjoy myself, in a way that God intended. and maybe i am naive, and stupid, and young for thinking this way. maybe it is dumb for me to hope that i will someday be able to have all this, together.

but the ugly harsh reality of it all is that the world is an ugly awful place. and i want only to try to change that. the one thing i will not change are my morals. i refuse to become someone in the freaking rat race, waking up every morning waiting for my vacation days, or for my paycheck, or whatfuckingever. i want to enjoy what i do, is that so naive and wrong? i dont want to be one of those people who lives with their work, i want to live for my work. god its stupid, but all i want is to study and learn and help people. people like jamal from slumdog millionaire. i know its dumb, and movies impact me soo much. but i dont care. its what i get, these little spurts of feelings, that keep me going. i know what i want, from these little things. and hopefully i can make them bigger soon. that sounds stupid, but whatever. i want to learn and help and learn and be happy. and i dont want drugs or alcohol or sex to take over my life. i want to live a life with god, helping his world. whether that ends up being me studying human or other animal ecology, he will decide, and he will show me. i trust in him wholeheartedly. he's gotten me this far, after all. i've been able to evade stupid party shit so far. like not skipping paries but getting shitfaced and messing up. and i know he will protect me and get me where i want to go. ok.

also if he could make me find someone to fall in deep, true love with, that would be great. but maybe he wants  me to be single, i don't know.

ok. rant over.

MOTHERF*CK

hahahahahah just saw that on tumblah
but anyway.
i've figured out what i want to do with my life.

from these pictures right here. i want to travel the world and study animals. that's all for now. ttfn.

holy flip

all i feel like doing is lying down. and crying. then getting up and screaming. then cry again.
and i know exactly why.
things are changing, and i don't like it. i hate how people have changed, and i just don't know. later.

Watched Midnight in Paris today...

let me just start off by saying it was fantastic. it was not at all what i expected it to be. I mean i expected it to be a cute little flick about how Owen Wilson enjoyed Paris in the nighttime, but it completely shocked me.

I won't ruin the plot for whoever brave soul is reading one of my posts on the internet, but basically Owen Wilson plays an unhappy writer who is just trying to find his inspiration to finish the novel he has been working on for a while. he lives in the present but wishes that he lived in Paris in the 20s. So he decides to walk back to his hotel alone one night, after a wine tasting he went to with his fiance. However, he is a little tipsy and soon becomes lost, so he sits down on some steps of a place (a church, maybe, i forget exactly where). he is called by some unknown people in a taxi to join them to go to a party, and, since he is lost anyway and a little tipsy, he goes along for the ride. By getting into the car he is somehow transported into Paris in the 20s. And being there he meets many fantastic artist, some including Hemingway, Faulkner, and Picasso. He also meets a girl named Adriana, and he falls in love with her almost immediately. The feeling is mutual, of course. Anyway, basically Adriana is unhappy with her own era, she believes that the 1890s were the perfect time. The lesson is that we are all a little unhappy with our own eras, but there are things we enjoy about them. And though we feel that being part of one era would be ideal, after living for long enough in that era would result in our wishing we were part of another era, etc., etc.

Now, for the interesting part.

This movie got me thinking. intensely. First i thought about how i've always wished to live in the 20s. Not necessarily in Paris, but i have to admit it does seem like the best place to live at the time. No Great Depression, that kind of thing. Also, Hemingway, Faulkner, all of those fantastic writers who were living there at the time. And though i will admit that i haven't really been interested in reading their literature before, i think i will start now. There must be a reason why they are so famous, right? And also, talking to them, that would be incredibly beneficial to me, as an aspiring writer.

So i have decided that i would really like to live in Paris in the 20s. But that is not possible, i know that. But that would be my ideal situation. okay anyway. The movie really got me thinking. I am incredibly like Owen Wilson's character. I don't fit in with where i am now. I mean i have friends and such, but are they really my friends? chris i think is. Chris i think is the only one who really understands this. Not because i have talked to him about it, but i think because he thinks about things really deeply. just like i do. I take a lot of things really, really seriously. and i think he does too. anyway. All of my other friends, what do i really have in common with them? sure they are great friends, and of course they are fantastic to hang out with, but in the long run, i think what i want, what i really really crave in the end is other writer friends. I really want to talk to people who truly understand. People who have the same feelings as me, who see things like i do, who sometimes just get the urge to write. That's what i really want, i think.

Another thing i think i really want is to move here. Paris. which is where i am right now, any bloggers who were unaware. I mean when we went to Shakespeare's theater the other day, i loved it. I loved that they shelter aspiring writers there, and i really loved the writers meeting. i wanted to be a part of it. craved it. i want that so badly, interaction with other writers, feedback from people who aren't just my friends and family, who have no idea what they are talking about.

is this weird? am i just weird? i feel like i am way to old for my age. I think so much differently than others my age think. While kids my age are thinking about the next party, im planning my college career, planning where i want to live, what i want to be in my life. and i don't think anyone my age has a talent they are so sure about. A talent that they know they want to spend the rest of their lives focusing on. Well, that's not entirely true. But i know there are no other writers my age. But i feel like writers, at least famous, successful ones, aren't fifteen. sixteen in a couple days.

but then again, maybe this is my ticket. Maybe i'm supposed to start now. I mean i already attracted attention by doing the triathlon. Maybe this is my time. The time my body is pretty much in its best condition, and the time my mind is pretty sharp. I don't know. but maybe this is my time to turn heads, to become renowned, famous. I just don't know. i hope things get a little clearer for me soon. goodnight for now.

lol my actual thoughts on the triathlon today

It was a flurry of mixed emotions.

It all started yesterday, when i got my number. Number two, meaning i was the second fastest (seeded) person to swim in the race. That made me feel a little bit nervous, at least at the time. I was nervous because i was thinking about all of the people who were going to be behind me, just waiting to tap on my feet and pass me from all directions. And as time went on, and i was able to hear other people's opinions (like my mom's, who i should learn not to listen to, she thinks much to highly of me) i felt a little bit sure of myself. It used to be soso hard for me to give myself even an ounce of credit, but it is definitely getting easier. anyway, so i started to feel better about myself and my swim.

This morning i woke up feeling terrified. I felt like throwing up, but the nervousness soon gave way to a nervous/excited mixture of feelings. All i know is i got my contacts in with little to no mishap, i ate an entire bagel and drank some gatorade, and i felt awake and happy enough this morning, even though it was about 4:45 in the morning.

i felt good, proud, impressed with myself when i got there this morning, watching all of the other contestants come and set their bikes up at the transition station with numbers like 154 and 78 and 204, when i had a measly little number two drawn on my arm and had the first bike on the first rack. (however i did spend quite a bit of time looking for number one. She, disappointingly never showed, so i had to be the first to jump in the water.

when i warmed up i felt pretty good too, knowing people were watching me, watching how pretty my stroke was, watching how i was doing. but as the time finally arrived for me to go over and prepare to jump in the pool for the silly little 300 swim i had to do, i felt more and more nervous, but mostly about numbers three and four, a girl named Lainey, and a guy whose name i didn't catch, both about 25, and both looking like trained swimmers. I was mostly worried about being overtaken, at least in the swim. It happened, but i had a good 150 where i was a double flag's length ahead of both of them. one of the most exhausting parts about the whole triathlon and the part where i had the most trouble breathing was that awful run from the pool to the transition station. we had to run up these steps, and it was definitely pretty difficult, seeing as i had just swum a 300, something i would kind of call distance.

Being in the top three was beautiful while it lasted. Soon enough into the bike ride i was overtaken by many people. I guess that really was the thing i had to worry about not training in the most. But, however bad i was doing, i made it through all eight miles, and it could even have been called kind of relaxing, at least around the downhill parts where i was able to coast, (riding my brakes the whole time), and breathe.

By the end of the bike ride, i was so freaking thirsty i knew i had to get something to drink before i died. Luckily there was a watering station, and i took two cups of water before taking off into the 5K. That thing was brutal. I walked a lot during the beginning, but as time went on, and i saw more people near me, i walked less and less and ran more and more until i wasn't walking at all. (I really barely walked, just to clear things up). Anyway, i finished the race, though i felt a little lightheaded at the end, but i definitely felt the adrenaline rushing, and it was one of the no the most exhausting thing i can remember doing.

So that was the actual triathlon. not as interesting as what happened afterwards. I learned afterwards that many people were incredibly impressed with me. i heard this from my mom and dad, (after they finished going on and on about how proud they were i finished at all) but i heard that people were asking about me, (like Lainey and number four) and how people remembered me, were shocked at how well i had done, especially at the swim. Like i guess i forgot to mention before, Number four got out of the pool first, followed by Lainey, (closely) and followed by me (closely). After me, there was about a three lane gap between the people behind us. I think a lot of people were shocked that i was able to keep with Lainey and number four as well as i did. And i'm glad i was able to impress them that much. But i definitely lost it in the bike. Oh well, something to work towards, because i definitely think i will be doing more of these. I think i will grow to love them. Not as much as i love swimming, but i will grow to love them too.

Anyway, i learned another thing today. That apparently i have a lot of talent. Not just as a swimmer, but as an athlete in general. My dad said people remembered me like they did because they know talent when they see it. And apparently i have a lot to offer, and there is a lot of potential in me just waiting to burst through with the right kind of training & equipment. It was fantastic to hear that i impressed to many people, and i hope that if i come back to this same triathlon next year i can impress people even further by doing even better.

I think it was a great experience, and i will certainly never forget it. Watch out triathletes, I'm gonna train more and more and get better than anyone will ever peg me to be. Don't judge me by my little stature, my nervous biting on my thumbnail habit, my quiet voice, or the tiny little number written on my leg, i'm going to come back as an insane competitor, rivaling people like Lainey and number four.

Completed my first triathlon today!

It went amazing!

It was definitely one of the most difficult things i have ever done. The swimming was simple, and i was the third person to get out of the water, which is pretty good if i do say so myself. Anyway, I need to work on my cycling, but apparently im good on running. Oh well. It was amazing, and i can't wait to do another one. I can only say that i would like to train a little bit more for the next one. can't wait!

I think i'm starting to figure it out

Motivation. Self-confidence. It's all sort of falling into place. I still have a lot of work to do with meets and stuff, but at practice at least i am doing really well.

And i guess i actually have one person whom i can thank for that. No name, but thank you. You don't know who you are, you don't know what you're doing for me, and you definitely don't know how i feel about you. I'm pretty sure about that. But thanks. I don't know why you are so motivating to me, but you are.

Anyway, today's practice was good. I didn't make it the entire way the way i wanted to, but i made it further than i thought i would. Because i was able to motivate myself a little, channel a little bit of something inside me. I liked the feeling. I liked being able to let out my breath and feel,

something. Something good. finally i had some sort of positive feeling inside about my abilities, and there was also positive reinforcement for that. We'll see how things continue, i hope that things do stay like this. I think sam was watching me. I think/hope/pray he was impressed.

because i am sososo afraid of next year. i really have no idea what is going to happen. I don't really want to know either. Oh.

It's been a while

A breeze rustled the leaves, and I stared again at my feet. I was supposed to be inside right now, getting my hair done, chatting with my Caroline, my best friend, the one whom I was supposed to be a maid of honor to. Today was her day, and I was supposed to be inside, there to support her. Instead, I was outside, caught up in my own selfish thoughts. I sighed, trying to avoid the thought my brain kept returning to. But I soon realized that there was no way to avoid it. I loved him. The man whom my best friend was about to marry, I loved him. I always had, and I knew that I always would.

It wasn’t fair, really. The way she had acquired him. I had known him first. Well, I had kind of introduced them actually. Stupid on my part, but what could I do about it now? It didn’t matter. What had happened was in the past, and all of a sudden we were at her wedding. She had stolen the only person I had ever admitted to myself that I loved, and now I had to go inside and pretend like I was happy for her. “Congratulations on stealing my dreams!” I wished I could say. But that was cheesy, and I knew she had never known that she was stealing from me.

She loved me. And I loved her. We were best friends, and we had been since sixth grade. We had gone to the same high school, but different colleges. But our friendship didn’t crumble like some of my other ones. We still hung out over weekends, caught up, and we remained as close as sisters. We had always been willing to tell each other everything, and I knew all of her secrets.

But there was one important secret that I was keeping from her. That I loved her fiancé. And every time I saw the two of them together, I got a sharp pain in my chest. And I really never had gotten over the thing we had had in high school.

His name was Bennett. And we had met junior year. While Caroline was blowing me off to hang out with who she thought was the love of her life at the time, I had met Bennett. We had clicked immediately, with similar music and literature tastes, it didn’t take long for us to become great friends. Soon enough he asked me out. We dated for about fourteen months, just about to the end of my senior year in high school. It was the most amazing time of my life. I got to experience that teenage love, where there are incredible highs and devastating lows. I snuck out of my house many times to meet Bennett, and sometimes we just drove off and didn’t come back until the next morning, just early enough for me to sneak back into my room. We listened to the same music, we always had things to talk about, and the times were incredible. Sometimes I would go over his house, and we would just sit on his roof and look at the stars. I honestly can’t think of a time when I felt happier than I did whenever I was with Bennett.

But, like everything else in life, things changed. We changed. I told Bennett that I wasn’t interested in having a long term relationship, and so I ended it before we went to college. He was devastated. He asked me to try and make it work with him, but I was too caught up in chasing my dreams. I had always wanted to fly. And just about two weeks before I broke up with Bennett I had gotten a scholarship to flight school. It was my dream come true. I wasn’t interested in being dragged down, so of course I seized the opportunity. I broke up with Bennett, I ran away, and I decided that flying, getting away, was the biggest priority in my life. Little did I realize that later I would find a new passion that would seize me.

I had never liked cooking. I just always ate what was put in front of me, because I knew I would never be able to make myself something better. But when my mom passed away when I was in the middle of my second year of flight school, I knew that I could never leave my hometown like I planned to. Flying was just not an option anymore. My dad was all alone in the empty house, and he needed me. So I pulled myself out of flight school, and I moved back into my old house. Of course my mom had been the one to cook all of my father’s meals, so the man knew how to make a cheese sandwich and that was about it. He didn’t even know what kind of milk he was supposed to buy.

I began cooking simple things, such as spaghetti, soup, anything that I could easily figure out. But as time went on, I got more creative. I started making more homemade meals, and I got to know my way around a kitchen. The moment when I realized I loved cooking came when I made my own homemade lasagna. I made the sauce; I even made the noodles. The moment when I saw my cooking on the table, all put together and beautiful, I knew that I found a new passion.

It was around this time that I got back into contact with Bennett. He called me, asking if I was okay, reassuring me, telling me he was always there for me. He came to the viewing for my mom, and that was where he met Caroline for the first time. He had known about her in high school, but he really didn’t meet her until that day.

I remember sitting at my mom’s closed casket, watching the two of them. The way that she was so shy with him. She asked me if I minded if she left with him, to get a drink. I said I didn’t mind, that it would be good for me to get a little time to think.

I think the moment I remember most about that day was the feeling I got when I saw the two of them leave together. I felt my heart break in two. Tears wouldn’t even come; I had cried them all out at the viewing. I just closed my eyes and smiled, wondering how God could be so cruel to bring all of these things to me at once.

I had prayed every night that their relationship would fail. It wasn’t cruelty, I just couldn’t handle it. I was so sad all the time, and I had to constantly pretend that I was happy for them. But of course God wasn’t watching me. Or so I felt. I left religion for a while, and I even decided to enroll myself in culinary school. I hoped it would help me. And it did, for a while. I graduated with flying colors, and even got a job in a local restaurant. Things were actually looking up for me when I got the position of head cook at the restaurant.

However, this joy soon died when two weeks later I found out that Caroline and Bennett were engaged. She told me, and the little piece of me that had been hoping for a breakup died. I pasted a smile, laughed when she told me how nervous he had been proposing to her, and took a suitable time admiring her ring. But when I got home, I cried for three hours. I wondered how I could go on, knowing that the only guy I had ever loved, loved someone else.

And now I was here, at their wedding. Wondering how I was supposed to keep this act up the entire night.

I wiped the tears that had snuck their way out of my eyes and onto my face, and I sniffed. I knew I probably looked a wreck, but I tried to make myself as presentable as possible before going in to check on Caroline. When I walked into the room where she was getting dressed, she turned around and smiled.

“I was wondering where you were!” she said.

I just smiled. “I’m here now, that’s what matters.” I said quietly. She smiled, and I took in how beautiful she looked. She really was gorgeous. She had always been the prettier one. The one people noticed first. I was just plain. I had pretty looks, but nothing compared to Caroline. And today she looked more beautiful than ever. And more than that, she looked happy. Genuinely happy.

 And it was in this moment that I realized I would have to suck up my feelings. For her. I could never take Bennett away from her. I had been given my chance with him, and I blew it. To take him now would be cruel and unfair. So I smiled too, trying to channel all of her happiness.

The ceremony was beautiful. They had written their own vows, and it hurt to hear them, but only a little. 

This summer...

It's starting off interesting. I know everything isn't going to fix itself. And really, there's not much that needs fixing. I think i'm getting better at swimming, and well, i don't really feel like talking. Do this later.

Haven't been here in a while! ):

• day 32: whether you’d rather marry someone who’s rich but ugly, or poor but attractive

Um, i think i'm gonna have to say somebody that's poor but attractive. Because i would not wanna be a gold digger, and hello, marrying somebody hot is always beneficial. Also, when i think of marrying somebody rich and ugly, i think of hugh hefner and the playboy bunnies, and that whole situation just disgusts me. 

• day 33: someone who really hurt you

I don't think i've ever been really really hurt, to the point where the problem has not been resolved. There are a lot of situations in which i feel like crap, and where all i can do is cry, and of course there are situations in which im hurt, but, for the most part, they are resolved. And i think that is a really good thing. 

• day 34: your horoscope for today and whether you think it’s accurate

"Your vital energy is perfect for getting others to see things your way — or at least to loosen up around you! It’s the best time for networking, dating or anything else that involves impressing folks." 

well i guess this is pretty accurate. Although i didn't really do anything today. 

• day 35: words you live by, why do you like them

"Apologize first and laugh as much as possible." I like them because they describe the way i like to live. apologizing first is kind of my theme song. I always am the first one to feel bad, or to try to resolve things. And i think this is a good quality. I hate having things in my life that make me upset, having people that don't like me. So i always try to resolve conflicts asap. And secondly, laughter really is the best medicine. I love laughing, and those moments when i laugh so much that i can't breathe and there are tears in my eyes are the moments i live for. 

• day 36: what you think about your friends

wow. this is quite a question. I like my friends. But at the same time, there are things about my friends that i do not like. I hate my friends on facebook. I hate facebook altogether really. there are a lot of issues, but at the end of the day, i like my friends, they make me laugh. 

• day 37: who are you

I'm Emily. That's it. 

• day 38: thoughts on your generation

we're trying to grow up too fast. We are so focused on having boyfriends and girlfriends that we are forgetting the true meaning of our teenage years, which is to relax and have fun. We are constantly being told that these are the best years of our lives, so we feel the need to constantly be overcompensating, so that when we do look back, we can say that these truly were the best years of our lives. But were they, really? When we are trying so hard to make them that way, can we really say that they were that much fun? It's like the difference between going to a party and hosting a party. Being the hostess is filled with responsibilities. We are so busy trying to make everyone else have fun that we forget that we are supposed to be having fun too. Whereas when we go to a party at someone else's house, we can forget about all of those things and just enjoy ourselves. We have a lot of feelings. There are so many things in our lives right now that are new and funny and shocking. The technology, the celebrities, the websites, all of it, it's so much to handle. We are the most computer reliant generation ever seen. Tumblr, Facebook, Google, all of the major websites, they are so much. And we feel the need to act so differently on each one. It's like this generation is filled with a bunch of crazy split-personality freaks. But what? It's not frowned upon. These people don't need help. They're, normal? There's the fake facebook personality, the tumblr personality which makes everything i huge deal, etc. My advice for this generation? Slow down, chill out, turn off the computer, and remember all of the things you used to enjoy before the internet. 

• day 39: what you think you’ve learned more from the good or the bad

Oh, the bad for sure. I think that i think about the bad much more then i think about the good. I over obsess, a lot. And also, when there are good times, i just smile and let them happen. It's better to remember them as fun times when i was happy and smiling, instead of over-analyzing them. 

• day 40: what are features you get complimented on a lot

my hair, my eyes, my tan skin. 

• day 41: write a letter to yourself stating all the things you love about yourself

Dear Emily, 

hi. 

You are beautiful. Don't ever forget that. I love your hair. Even though you can't brush through it, and trying to french braid it is always a difficulty. Your eyes are really pretty too. Take off the glasses and then you can be even prettier. I like how nice you are. I think everyone else does too. You are going to have amazing teeth when you get those nasty braces off. You will travel the world, you will get good times in swimming. You will get a book published, you will have everything you've ever wanted. You are amazing, and pleasepleaseplease don't ever forget that and lose yourself. 

byebyenow!

Emily 

I've missed a few days, so..

day 28- something that makes you really angry.
Um, i guess when people try to force their opinions on me. Yeah actually, that makes me really mad. When i have my own thoughts on something, and somebody tries to make me feel a different way, like the way i am thinking is wrong. That makes me mad.

day 29- a date you'd love for someone to take you on.
that's a tough one. I'd just love for somebody to take me on something really creative. like not just to the movies or out to dinner or whatever, but like, a bike ride, or a picnic, or something like that. If we're comfortable enough to be alone together, then the options are limitless.

day 30- 5 favorite boys names, five favorite girls names.
Jude, Kyle, Tommy, Gabe, and Liam
Fiona, Caroline, Mackenzie, (all really common, i know) Teagan, Annabel

day 31- a bit about your social life outside of the internet.
Well, i swim competitively. I swim year round, so swimming is definitely a huge part of my life. Um, obviously i like to write. I love reading, but i never get a chance to do it. I used to walk from my house to the library and then i would just sit and read. And it was great, but i never have the time to do it anymore. that is about it though, hahaha i actually don't really have much of a life during the year, with school and such.

Paris

Oh.
i miss it so much that sometimes i see a picture of it, and i have to stop. I can't breathe for a second, and i close my eyes, and all i see is beautiful, gorgeous, Paris. And i feel like all i want is to be there. To open my eyes, and see that i'm not at home amongst all of this CRAP that i have to deal with on a daily basis. That I'm there. There, again, where i was at my happiest, but still distracted. I just want to be there. It doesn't matter who i'm with, as long as i am there long enough to take a breath and feel the city creep into my veins.

It's so classy. Everything about it, made me feel like i was finally in a place where i could always be content. Where everyone was polite, and God i was just happy there. And thinking about it, the cheese shops, the metro, the buses, the Louvre, the paintings, the fresh food at the markets, Luxembourg Gardens, what i could wear, what everyone else was wearing, how everyone greeted you, the landmarks woven into the normal city life, the beauty, the clean cabs, the travel destinations, the snow, the air, the fresh feeling of being in a new place,  it just made me want to go back.

And now i don't know what's going to happen. Who am i going to go back with? Will anyone be able to go with me? Who knows. All i know is that going back this summer, won't, can't be the end. I love it so much, and i really want to experience it. Every month of the year. I want to live there, i want to have time to myself, live for me. Make my own meals, go shopping on my own, live through my feelings. When i feel like sleeping, i'll sleep. When i feel like walking, i'll walk. God i loved it so much, and i just want to be back.

Creative Writing Exercise # 8- Write a character description strictly as a narrative description, telling your reader who the character is, without having the character do anything.

kinda failed in the challenge, but i like what i created here. 

The summer sun turned the sky a light pink as it sunk down into the ground. Its orange glow was fading, the day was ending. A playground stood deserted, with each swing standing still, and the slide completely empty of children. The playground was a favorite for children, with kids waiting in line to go down the slide every day, and the swings constantly moving from kids jumping on and off.

It seemed as if the park was completely deserted, but if one was willing to take a closer look, they would discover a girl was sitting quietly in the tunnel of a playground, watching the sun go down. She was about fourteen years old, with pretty brown hair, thick and straight, and down to her ribs. She never wore it up, always down, because she had no other way to wear it. She wore a pair of small blue shorts, with a thin white tank top.

She waited, quietly, for the sun to completely set. It was a routine for her by now, she knew what was expected. She had been staying on this playground for almost six weeks, as far as she could remember. As the sky got darker and darker, the girl closed her eyes to escape the worst part of the day. The period of time before the sun was completely gone, but it was dark. The period where it was dark, but not dark enough for the street lights to come on yet. The sun was still partially up, but the darkness still crept into all of the cracks while you weren’t looking. This was the part where the girl was scared the most. This was the time in which the girl really felt her situation creep into her mind and make a nest. This was the time in which the girl was afraid to be left alone, for fear that her imagination would take over her rational little mind.

So she closed her eyes, trying to block out all of the thoughts that threatened her. She knew that if she could make it through tonight, make it through this rotation of the terrifying darkness, that she would make it through another night. She would just have to wait until the lights came on. Until then, she had time to kill. Time to distract herself. What could she think about? Certainly not about her situation.

She was a seven-year-old girl, so young, and out on her own. She had left her home at about two months ago, and had been living at the playground ever since. She had left because her stepfather had been beating her. Every single night, he had been hitting her, abusing her, calling her names. And her mother just pretended not to notice. ‘He’s just kidding.’ She’d say. ‘He’s a tough love kind of guy.’ She’d say. She had tried to reason with her mother, tried to convince her of what was going on. But her mother chose to believe him instead. The man who had treated her so cruelly, who had ruined things. That in itself was enough, but it had been one specific moment that had finally pushed the girl to leave.

The moment that she saw her mother take a hit from her stepfather. He took the palm of his hand and slapped her across the face. She had looked stunned, but it was only a matter of seconds before she snapped the stunned look off of her face, and continued to clean the dishes like nothing had happened. That was the moment that the girl knew. This wasn’t the first time that her mother had been hit by her stepfather, she could tell. And she knew that no matter what she did, her mother would keep choosing her stepfather, would keep running back to him like a puppy will run unknowingly to its master, with only loyalty, and no second thoughts. This was the moment that the girl decided she had to leave. Her mother was stupid enough to believe her stepfather’s empty promises, that much was clear. But the girl was smarter. She knew that her stepfather was always going to be a cruel man, and that unless she left, he would always be her master.

So she took matters into her own hands. She packed a bag that night, kissed her mother goodnight one last time, and snuck out of the tiny rancher that had been her home. She didn’t look back while she ran away, knowing that if she did, she would have second thoughts. And she could not afford for that to happen. She needed to get out, and needed it to happen now. She had run until she felt safe, at the small playground that was so busy every day. It had a large tunnel, coverage from the weather, a large water fountain for plenty of water, and a 7-11 nearby. The girl had taken $250 from her stepfather’s wallet the night she ran away, figuring that it would keep her fed and clothed until she was able to make a permanent plan. But now she was down to her last twenty dollars, and she didn’t know what she was going to do. The money would last her two, maybe three more days. And she still had not thought of a plan.

 So no, she could not think of her situation. It would just make her feel more worried, and that would force her into a panic that was difficult to get out of.

The first time the girl had had a panic attack had happened the second night she spent on the playground.  She had been so exhausted on the first night that she had just drifted quickly into a dreamless sleep. She had woken up the next morning, very early, and noticed a minivan parking in the lot. It was then that she realized that she had to hide. She had to find a better, more secluded place in which she could stay until all of the kids went home for the night and she could resume living in the tunnel. She searched the playground, but found nothing. Finally, she found a place, behind a group of pine trees that was off to the side of the playground. The playground and parking lot were within sight, and so she sat and waited. She was afraid to leave the area with the trees, and so she didn’t have a drink or anything to eat at all that day.

As soon as everyone left, she went back to her place in the tunnel, and attempted to sleep. But sleeping was out of the question. She hadn’t eaten or drank all day, and her growling stomach was keeping her awake. She opened her eyes, and as soon as she did this, she knew it was a mistake. The darkness was all around her. There was no way of telling what was behind every tree, or what was hiding in every tiny spot of the playground. She started to breathe silently, and eventually started taking small quick breaths, because her pulse was racing. She could not seem to quiet it. She looked around and around and around again at every corner of the playground that she could see.

It wasn’t long until she started picturing her stepfather sitting somewhere in the darkness, just waiting to jump out and grab her. She started to shiver, even though it was an unusually warm night, and the air felt sticky around her. He wasn’t here; he couldn’t be here. He couldn’t be lurking in the darkness that was threatening to swallow her up. He couldn’t be smiling at her fear, just waiting for her eyes to close, so that he would seize the opportunity and jump out and grab her. The very thought of seeing him again, when she had left so that she could forever escape him, was enough to keep her from sleeping, or even blinking. She tried to stare at all directions at once, but soon found that it was impossible.

She finally decided to move her gaze around and around, making sure that there were no open spaces in which he could sneak up on her. As her imagination was able to get more and more of a grip on her reality, she began to become more and more afraid. She was trembling, and her eyes were wide. She wished to be back at home in her bed, finding out that the entire thing had been a dream, and that her mother had kicked her stepfather out of the house. She began to feel dizzy, and nauseous, and at one point she actually felt like throwing up. But she didn’t. She sat in the silence, waiting for her stepfather to show up. And things got more and more scary, and she panicked more and more, until finally the dawn came. She had never been happier to see the sun in her entire life. And she moved from the tunnel over to the trees, she wondered how she was going to make it through the next night.

She pushed the thoughts of her first panic attack out of her head. There had been others, but she vowed that there would not be any more if she could help it. She immediately closed her eyes tighter, shoving all mental pictures of her stepfather out of her head. Thinking of him would just make this time of the day much worse than it already was.

It hadn’t always been this way. She hadn’t always been trying to squeeze him out of her thoughts, as far away from her as possible. She used to like him. He was nice to her, and he gave her presents. She loved to listen to him talk; his voice was so deep and melodic. He used to tell her stories, about when he was a little boy. She used to think that she loved him. She used to believe that he was her actual father, that the man who had been her father was just an imposter, that her stepfather had been the one for her all along. When her mother and stepfather had gotten married, it had been one of the happiest days of her life. She had dreamed of how different, and wonderful her life was going to be.

Things were great for the first two months of the marriage. Then, they were okay. His temper flared a little, but it was controllable, and he always apologized after he yelled. Then he stopped apologizing. Then he started to yell more, and louder. He stopped telling his stories. He stopped smiling, altogether, as much as she could see. Things continued to get worse and worse, until finally, he had started to beat her. And the girl hated it, but she took it, because she dreamed of better days. She prayed every night that sometime soon, things would get better. But the moment that she discovered that her mother was too cowardly to recognize that things needed to change, the girl realized that wishing on a star, praying for someone to step up and rescue her, was never going to work. If she was to have a future, one that was tangible, in her own hands, she knew that she would have to get out.

And now, here she was. Waiting in the darkness for the street lights to turn on. She had taken things into her own hands, and where had she gotten? Living on a playground, trying with all her might not to think? How could that possibly be what she wanted? She didn’t know. She didn’t know how she was supposed to get from where she was to where she wanted to be. She didn’t even know how she had made it this long so far. She had been taking it a day at a time. She had been living as though she was waiting for something. But for what? What was she waiting for? Someone to come rescue her? That was exactly the reason she had left her home, because she knew that nobody was going to rescue her. She had to rescue herself. And here she was, supposedly rescuing herself, but really falling into the same patterns she had tried to get out of.

She suddenly realized that she was almost exactly where she had originally started. Except for the fact that her bruises were healing, not getting worse by the night, she was back into square one, and she had been completely oblivious of it the entire time.

She decided to make a pact with herself. A pact that would only be recognized by her own mind and the darkness that threatened to envelop it. She promised herself that, starting tomorrow morning, she was going to leave. She was going to find a place, a school, a home. She would take matters into her own hands. She had completely missed school for the past six weeks, but she had always been a good student. So getting into school wouldn’t really be a problem.

As her plan began to take shape, she thought of something. It made her stomach drop. Money. Where was she going to go, how was she going to get there, and once she was there, how was she supposed to stay, when she had less than thirty dollars to her name? As she continued to think about it, she couldn’t seem to find a solution. There was nothing she could think of, besides stealing, and she had never been very good at that.

She thought about how the plan would never work, and she began to cry. It started as a few tears that made their way down her face. She let them fall, and didn’t bother to wipe them off. Then they started to come faster. She started to cry harder, the more she thought about it. She began to sob, bending down to press her head to her knees. She felt pain, actual, physical pain that came from deep inside her. Her stomach hurt, she couldn’t control the tears that fell, and she sucked in large breaths. She had never felt so alone. No one was there to tell her she was okay; no one was there to sit with her as she cried for the life she had been deprived of. And there was no solution within reach. She cried for herself, she cried for her mother, and she cried because she didn’t know what was going to happen to her. 

Day 27-Someone you wish lived closer and why.

Juliet, obviously. She lives a mere five hour plane ride away now. But i still wish she was a liiiiittttttle bit closer so i could go over and chill with her anytime i wanted.

Journal Writing Prompt # 62

What is the best method of travel, and in what ways have you traveled? 

I have traveled in many different ways. By car, train, airplane, RV, etc. And i think that the way of traveling that was truly the most fun for me was traveling by RV. 

When i was about nine years old, my mom and I decided to take a trip across the country. We decided to go visit my cousins, who were living in California at the time. Since we live on the East coast, we decided to fly out to see them, and it was about a five hour flight, which was normal. However, on the way back from California, we decided to take a more unusual method back. We decided to drive back across the country in an RV. 

So, we met my mom's friend, Kim (who would be traveling with us), and we rented an RV from the RV place (i don't know what else to call it), and set off. Of course, since we were traveling across the country, we made sure to see everything. We took the southern route, traveling through such states as Arizona (where we saw the Grand Canyon) New Mexico (where we visited my cousin's veterinary clinic) and Texas (The Lonestar State). It was a really fun experience, and i would drop everything right now to be able to go and do it again. Granted, i was only nine, so i couldn't fully soak up all the sights i was seeing, but i certainly did enjoy many of the things i did see, such as Graceland, Yogi bear's theme park, and a family of raccoons crossing the street. It was an incredible experience. I really hope that i will be able to do something like it again, because i had a really great time. 

Day 26- 5 things you are looking forward to.

1. Summer! I am so looking forward to having free time, to being able to go outside in the middle of the day and play on the playground if i want to, to being able to reread the harry potter series when i feel like it, to having no homework, no exams, and no worries.
2. Getting my braces off. I am sososososososo excited to get these stupid things of of my teeth. Having pretty, clean, brace-free teeth is going to be amazing, especially since i have had them for almost two years now.
3. Paaaaaariiiiis. I am so excited to be going back to Paris. Even though Paige can't go anymore, i'm still looking forward to it. I'm still going to have a good time, and i don't know who i'm going to go with, but i know it will be a lot of fun.
4. Finals to be over. I'm looking forward to finals being over and out of my mind. Theya re the worst things ever, they just hold me back from my summer.
5. HSL. Summer swim team is so fun, and apparently Brian is coaching and David is swimming with us again! Also getting a job this summer will also be really fun.

day 25-a friend that you lost that you are better off without/one you wish you had back

the first one is easy: Monika.
I was friends with her from 3rd grade until seventh grade. And things started off really good, she was really fun to hang out with, and i always had a good time going over to hang out with her. But in fifth grade, she started being mean to me. And it just continued on and on, and so finally, by like sixth grade, i was sick of it. I was tired of her being mean to me, and i was tired of hanging out with somebody that was bringing me and my image down, so i just stopped being friends with her. I stopped sitting with her at lunch, and i stopped talking to her. I mean it didn't work exactly perfectly, but it worked enough, and i am now better off without her as a friend.

the second one: not so easy. I try not to let friends go if i like them. I guess i would have to say Devin. Devin was my best friend when i was like ten, and then she moved away. she lived two doors down from me, and we were the two best friends that anybody could have. We would like hang out in her hot tub, and chill, and then we would play on the playground. She was so much fun to hang out with, and then she had to move away. And i was so sad, and i lost my best friend. And i haven't seen her since those days, and i don't really know if we would get along if we met right here right now. But i definitely miss the friendship we had like five years ago. I miss her.

day 24-your favorite ten people right now and why.

No, this is too hard. Idk. i will just list peope. 

jk no i won't. disregard this. 

day 23-a month/year of your life when you were happiest and why

I was probably the happiest during this October. It was fall, school was just starting so i wasn't too overwhelmed yet, but it was late enough that i was already used to things. There were football games, and everybody was always at practice, so practice was fun too. But the main reason was that i had a party, or something really actually fun to do every weekend. Halloween, St. Mary's, the cookout, everrrything was soo fun, and it was just the best month ever. And everything went downhill or uphill or whichever one's the bad one from there.

day 22-how you judge intelligence

i judge intelligence by how someone puts their knowledge to use. Also, i judge by how well someone does in school. yeah i don't really feel like writing a really long explanantion to this

day 21-everything you wish for in a significant other

Okay, well I will make a list.

Everything i want in the perfect boyfriend:

1. they have to be cute. not in a shallow way or anything, but, i mean, they have to be somewhat attractive. 
2. they have to be funny. I love to laugh, so if they can make me laugh, as in genuinely laugh, then they're good. 
3. They have to be nice. They can't be one of those jerks that puts themselves above others. 
4. They have to respect me. If they don't respect me and the things i say and do, then how in the world am i supposed to respect them?
5. They need fashion sense. If they are constantly going out, with me or with others in stupid weird clothing, then things will probably not work out with us. 
6. not to be mean, but, in a nutshell, fitness is greatness. 
7. Muscles, but not obvious ones. Benchpressing an insane amount=gross. 
8. they have to show that they like me. I can't live with a few kind gestures a year. I need confirmation, especially if they're cute enough to make me paranoid. 
9. But the other extreme is unacceptable too. Cheesy gestures all the time: no thanks. you don't need to be constantly telling me you love me, or doing insane things to make me love you. If i love you, then i do. If i don't then you can't make me stay. 
10. Don't try to make me do stuff i don't want to. If you try to make me like go on a really big roller coaster, or eat something, and i really really don't want to, then please get the hint. Don't keep pestering me. 
11. PDAs are kind of a no-no. It grosses me out when other people do it, and i'm sure that it would make everyone else uncomfortable if we did it. 
12. Don't constantly judge everything i do. I do stupid stuff, i do smart stuff, i budget my time, i waste my time. Please don't be constantly judging me. I hate that, it makes me incredibly self-conscious. 
13. Let's face it, they can't be stupid. Stupidity is an incredibly unattractive quality. And don't pretend to be stupid either. I know the trick, girls do it all the time, and trust me, it's just as annoying with boys as it is with girls. 
14. No smoking. Yuck. I refuse to kiss you if you smoke. and i refuse to smoke. 
15. drinking is okay, but know your limits. and don't drink all the time. 
16. take me fun places. The movies is okay for like the first date, but when you learn more about me, take me to cool places. Look at parental control for ideas. 
17. Talk to me. if you have a problem, or something about me annoys you, tell me about it. Also, be a good conversationalist. I don't want every moment with you to have awkward quietness. Tell me about you, and let me tell you about me. 
18. Do stupid stuff with me. kiss me in the rain. jump on a trampoline with me at midnight. i don't know what else, but do stupid stuff with me. 
19. That's really all i can think of right now. 

day 20-what you think makes someone beautiful.

To start off, i'm going to be shallow. Shallow, but honest. I'm not going to pretend that i only think people with a beautiful personality are beautiful. 

Looks are a factor. They are, and  no one should deny it. You look at people like Miranda Kerr, and or that other girl (whose name i do not know...). They are beautiful. Gorgeous, with pretty hair, cheekbones, and eyes. I am so jealous of their looks, and they are what i would define as beautiful. So to sum up, looks are a big factor in making someone beautiful. Because after all, light travels faster than sound. So you can see someone walking on the street, and think they are beautiful, even though they may be incredibly mean people. Likewise, you may glance at someone on the street, and they aren't that pretty, so you don't label them as beautiful. But they might be the most beautiful person in the world, on the inside, and you just don't know it. 

Another thing that makes somebody beautiful (looks again, haha) is a perfect smile. Bruno Mars is a perfect example, because he has teeth that are the definition of perfection. Teeth are some that i obsess over, and if somebody has perfect teeth, it doesn't necessarily make them beautiful, but it helps. 

And lastly, a great personality makes someone beautiful. By this i mean like a loving, giving personality. They have to be tolerant, and really nice. They have to understand that life isn't perfect and that it isn't supposed to be. Basically, they have to be a really good-hearted person. 

day 19-your thoughts on your family

i already made a post about family, and i said that it confuses me to no end. And it does. It makes absolutely no sense to me. But that's just family in general.

Here's what i think about my family.

We aren't perfect, but we try. We laugh, we joke, and we are happy. But sometimes i see things in my family that i don't want to. When i was little, i saw perfection in all the adults in my family. They knew all, and they would forever be smarter than me. But as time went on, i started to see flaws. I hated that. I used to see favoritism, all the time. I didn't understand it, really. I didn't get why adults would favor certain cousins or siblings, etc. And as i got even older, i started to see that the favoritism wasn't just with the stupid little rivalries over which grandchild was the best one. No, the favoritism extended further that that. Everyone in my family is great. They are all good people, who care about each other. And i love my family, we just aren't perfect, not even close.

Then we come to the other side of my family. It is great. Oma, Aunt Margie, all of them, they are great. Completely unselfish, loving, wonderful people. But i only judge from the way they treat me. With respect, and authority, but a good mixture. And my dad, he's great. He loves me, and when it is just he and I, well, we get along great. I already completely discussed it, so, thanks, and good night!

Day18-Why you made this blog, and why you still have it.

I made this blog because i felt like i needed somewhere where i could organize all my thoughts. I needed a place other than microsoft word and microsoft office onenote. And i felt like making my own blog would be completely beneficial to me. As long as i kept it a secret, from people from my school perhaps, but my thoughts would still be out there in the world. 

Um, i still have it because, well, i like it. I like having this place where i can organize my thoughts, and stuff. I like that nobody judges, and that nobody really sees this, except for strangers. 

Tagxedo.com

http://www.tagxedo.com/app.html
the end

Day 17-your idol and why you look up to them.

My idol? This is a tough one, because i honestly can't say that when i hear the word idol one specific person pops into my mind. A lot of different people do come into my mind though. I will talk about them.

First, i think of Kater. I think she is an amazing person. She made it through high school, college, all of this with flying colors. she has an amazing job, an amazing fiance, and she just inspires me to think of my future, so that i will keep doing well in the present.

I really don't feel like talking about all of the other people who inspire me, basically, Marissa Miller, umm other scattered celebrities, and maybe i will make a list later.

To have a writer's soul.

To have a writer's soul can be the most beautiful, wonderful thing.

You see things that not a lot of people see. The birds chirping outside your window, you see them for more than what they are, which is just birds chirping outside your window. You think that maybe they were sent to your window. Maybe they were sent there to tell you something, or maybe they are just there to convince you of something. Maybe those birds, those very birds chirping outside your window, are there to pick you up when you're falling. They are the ones that are convincing you that the world is okay, that you are okay. Maybe they are there to show you that your life can go on, even when it feels like things are ending.

You see, hear, smell, taste, everything, differently. The words you hear, the conversations you participate in, everything is full of metaphors, irony, and cliches. You smell something delicious, and you wonder where it came from. Perhaps it came from the kitchen, the very kitchen where the cook and the waitress fell in love. Or maybe it's coming from the lunch of the girl sitting next to you in the cafeteria, the girl everyone calls weird, but you just label her as misunderstood. You see colors differently, patterns, stripes, randomization, it is all so beautiful to you.

Life is like poetry to you--it is different every time you turn around to look at it.

But to have a writer's soul can also be your downfall.

You see all the bad things that happen in everyday life. You see the mean things people say and do, and sometimes you even realize that it is you who is doing mean things. You feel awful every time you hear a rumor, and even worse when you feel the rumor slip out of your own lips. You go through everything just like everyone else, but you feel it more.

You imagine situations that you know will never happen. Everything that inspires you, tv shows, celebrities, it encourages you. It encourages your soul to share its thoughts with your imagination. And as you lie in bed in the darkness of the night, you are happy and sad and puzzled and confused, but most of all, you are awestruck. You are surprised at how fast everything is happening, to you and everything around you. And as you lie in bed thinking about how prince charming will someday sweep you off your feet, your soul suddenly realizes that in order to have a fairytale, there must be someone to create it.

And that's where you suddenly realize that you come in. You are here for a reason, and that reason is to live life as fully as you possibly can, but, more importantly that that, you have to be the one who writes your own memoirs.

I just felt like writing this.

I recently have been watching a lot of Make It Or Break It, which always makes everything seem more dramatic, and i also recently saw a post on tumblr about cutting.

Not to say that i have cut, have thought about ever cutting, or ever will cut, but it still made me think. What is it that i do when i feel depressed? Goodness knows that i've felt a lot more feelings this year that i haven't felt before, but what are my mechanisms for dealing with these new feelings?

Well, i've thought about it a little bit, and i've figured out a few things that i've been unknowingly doing to help me feel better.

The first, and most prominent thing i think is thinking of the future. I don't know what else i can do but just believe that hard stuff will get better. I think about all of the things that i want, all of the things that i want to happen to me, for me to experience, and it just makes me believe that i will be able to achieve it. I look forward so much to going to college, to meeting new people, to learning new things. i look forward to traveling, to experiencing the world. I want so so much to see it all. I want to look out my window and see a mountain, or a lake, or something new. I want to see the slums of India, i want to see Italy, Portugal, Venice, everything. And when i think about all this, it makes me feel happy. It makes me feel big, important, lucky. And then when i think about it more, i feel scared. How am i supposed to achieve all this? I feel scared, scared that i will disappoint myself. i've already disappointed a lot of people. And i don't mean it, I never ever mean it. I hate disappointing people. And disappointing myself, as in blowing achieving my dreams, well, i don't think i would be able to live with myself if i did that. And i know i have to start now, but i don't know how. Anyway, this is getting off topic.

The second thing i do, is, well, really simple. Crying really actually helps. I mean, i know it's stupid, but, i do it when i feel overwhelmed. I cry, i cry because i'm scared, because i'm sad, because i don't understand things, i just cry whenever. It sometimes makes me feel better.

Well, i guess i imagine things too. I imagine the future, but that goes into the first thing.

Day 16- Someone You Trust

i trust a lot of people, but i think the person that i know i can trust with pretty much anything i tell them is my cousin Juliet. I know i can trust her, she will listen and give me good advice. I've know her my entire life, and i really really miss her since she moved to Cali. don't really feel like doing a long long response.

Journal Writing Prompt # 2

What five websites do you visit most often and why?
I honestly don't know why i am on this website so often. I kind of hate it. I hate all the fake things people say, and i hate sitting and watching other people's lives that they care to show on fb. I hate the comments, the wall posts, the constant status updates, the chatting, the notifications, or how it makes you feel when you don't have any updates. I hate the stupid happy birthday things, when all it really means is that somebody saw on a fb calender that it was your birthday, not that they actually remembered. I hate that i am always so paranoid that no one will like my status, so i don't make one. I hate facebook, and yet i am addicted. It was a really good idea for a website, and, had circumstances been different, i think it would have been great. But, as of now, i really am not a big fan, and yet, in order to stay in touch with my generation, i have to be on fb.

I used to go on this website all the time. And i used to love every thing about it, the pictures, the posts, the privacy, whatever. I thought i would be able to post whatever i wanted, and intelligent people would reblog it, or like it, or message me about how intelligent i was. But now i've learned that it is just another popularity contest. Tumblr is made up of people from facebook who like to pretend that they are different, but in actuality, they are exactly the same as everyone else. They like to say that they are so different, and no one understands them, but, in reality, there are so many people on tumblr who claim they are one of a kind, when, really, there are so many people who think exactly the same way. Plus, tumblr is boring now. It's just the same pictures, and all i do when i get on tumblr is reblog pictures that i think are pretty. It's all the same, and it's totally mainstream now, and i'm tired of it. So maybe i'm being conceited, and i know i'm being stupid because i get on tumblr constantly, since it is number two on my list. I guess old habits die hard.

I love this website. And i get on it all the time, especially when i have lots of free time, or if i'm bored. It really helps me to find interesting stuff to do, especially with writing and stuff. It's actually where i found websites with such stuff as the exercises i do on this blog. There is nothing fake about it, and i just love all the cool stuff i find there.



This very site right here. I get on this site whenever i have free time to do journals and such. I really lover coming on here, because it really is all mine. It's a website belonging to my writings, and only my writings. It helps me to organize my thoughts into one space, and, well, i just like it.

Um, that's really all the sites i visit every day. I can't really think of any extra time i would have after using those websites anyways.

Just going on to DAY 15- a song that makes you cry and why.

I don't have any songs that make me cry. But i do have songs that sometimes make me sad. Well, whenever i listen to them they make me sad.

The song is ** *** *** by *********
This song, whenever i listen to it, makes me kind of sad. Um, because i used to/kinda sorta still do like somebody who showed me this song. annnnnd it just didn't work out. the end.

skipped days 12 and 13 because i didn't have an answer to them

Day 14-Write about something you believe in, anything at all.

I feel like I write a lot about how I believe in gay rights, or religion, or capital punishment, or whatever. So for this one, I'm going to talk about how I believe that God never gives you more than you can handle. This has been one thing that has been especially used in my life, at least, I have been considering it more and more true in my everyday life. I feel like God never ever gives you more than you can handle. It's like swimming. Well, at least for me it's like swimming. The sets are difficult sometimes, but they are always possible, as long as I give enough effort. And, they get more difficult as time goes on, but always at a steady pace. And, as a result, I'm getting better. I'm improving in my times, though sometimes I feel like I'm not getting any better, and I know that what Sam is doing, no matter how ridulous it ma

Day 11- The worst advice you've ever heard or been given.

The worst advice I've ever heard was probably what my grandmother advised my mom to do for these kids that skateboarded on our porch. At my house, we have sidewalk steps, and there are  two that are about as big as two  or three doormats placed next to each other. We also have a metal railing, and we are at the end of our street, so we are the lowest part of the sidewalk. So, apparently our house is a great place for skateboarding. So, a few years back, there were a bunch of teenagers, like fifteen or something, that kept coming to our house at the middle of the night and skateboarding on our porch. So we couldn't get them to leave, we tried asking them nicely, asking them not so nicely, all the things we could to d get them to leave as peacefully as possible. But, since nothing worked, my mom decided to ask my grandmother for advice on this situation. So, my grandmother suggested that we put lots of broken glass on the porch, so that the next time they decided to skateboard on our porch that they would hit the broken glass and get hurt, so they would know not to come back anymore. Naturally, we didn't do it. I mean come on, there were way too many flaws in that plan, one of the most major ones being that they were teenagers, only about fifteen, and we would be getting ourselves into some sort of lawsuit if we injured them like that. Also, it would be inhumane. They were only kids, just wanting to rebel, and skateboard wherever they felt would be just dangerous enough for them to get a thrill. Instead of listening to my grandmother's advice, we sent my dog (who is completely harmless by the way) outside, and, since he is very intimidating looking, he's big, and has a loud, deep bark, the kids ran. Cinnamon (my dog) followed them, thinking they were playing a game, and, to make a long story short, Cinnamon came back, and the teens didn't.

Day 10-What you think when you hear the words "be yourself".

When I hear the words "be yourself", I think immediately to middle school. Because that is when I heard those words constantly, and, well, I was sort of a hypocrite. I never really was myself. Middle school was really rough for me. I wasn't bullied or anything, and of course I had friends, but I never really felt like I fit in. I never really felt like I had a best friend, somebody I could call up in the middle of the night to tell stuff to, or anyone like that. I felt I was closer to my family than I was to my friends, and there was really no drama at all for me to deal with. And I wasn't myself. I hung out with my friends, and I was interested in stuff they were interested in, but there was also stuff I was interested in that I didn't really get to bring to the surface. After I think of that, I think of my appearance. Probably like, wearing my hair like I want, wearing whatever clothes I want, whatever. I think the biggest thing that comes to mind when I think of being myself is that I am afraid to. My lack of self-confidence really brings me down sometimes, and forces me to be somebody that's not exactly me. 

Day 9- Things that make you happy.

Oh, lots of things make me happy too. Life is tough, but I still have moments where all I can be is happy. It makes me happy when I watch the office, or the simpsons, or some other hilarious show that makes me laugh. Laughing makes me happy. If you can make me laugh, like actually laugh, then I'll remember it, at least for the rest of the day. Seeing my cousins makes me happy. Talking to somebody new and finding out that we have something in common, that makes me pretty happy. Um, I thought this would be a lot easier than it is. That first day after going to the grocery store, when the house is totally stocked with food, that makes me happy. When I have an especially good practice/meet, that makes me happy. Doing really good on a test I thought I failed, that makes me happy. Having no homework, that makes me pretty happy. Cute boys make me happy. It seems like they are an endangered species. Passing lifeguarding, that makes me happy. Ummm, I can't think of anything else. I guess there are a lot of little things in the world that make me really happy, but the things that make me sad are usually bigger, and can hide those happy little things. I'm living day by day, just trying to get through till tomorrow. And those little happy moments are usually the things to get me through.

Day 8- Things that make you sad.

Oh, a lot of things make me sad. Thinking about losing my family, or even losing my dog. I can be reduced to tears when I think about losing my dog. Because I can't imagine life without him, either of them actually. And losing my mom. Well, that is just out of the question. I don't know how I would survive, losing her. She is the only one I can really go to when I'm scared, when I feel sad, or vulnerable. She is the only one I miss the very most when  I'm away from home. And, I don't know how I'm going to make it through college without her. I can't imagine ever losing her someday. Because I will miss her like crazy. (Amanda, if somehow you are reading this, I think you are soso strong. You lost your mom, something I can never even imagine going through. And yet you always manage to have a smile. You're going through a lot of the same crap I am, boys, school, swimming, and you're doing it without a mom. So lemme just say, this post made me think of you, and I respect you so much for everything you went through, and everything you do for your mom.) Watching sad movies makes me sad. I didn't used to get sad during movies, but now I am a lot more sensitive, and I don’t really know why. Especially in My Sister's Keeper. I watched that recently, and honestly, I couldn't keep the tears from flowing. And even after the movie was over, I still cried. I couldn't stop. But I don't regret watching that movie. It was really good, and it made me think. Um, thinking about how different things are to me since I've gotten older is pretty sad.  I still have moments like, laughing until my stomach hurts, or moments of awe and wonder at the wall, but it's much more difficult to get those moments. Life used to be soso simple, and now it's completely crazy. My family makes me sad. Not that I don't like my family, but when I was little, it was so much easier to think that they were perfect. I don't like that I can see the flaws of my family so easy now. I don't like that people are all of a sudden expecting me to be perfect. It was so easy to be a little kid. And now, all of a sudden, it's not. I can't make mistakes, or else I get yelled at. It's tough being a teenager, and I don't like how no adults seem to understand that. Lastly, swimming makes me sad. It's hard, and I honestly cannot think of what I'm good at. Ims? Maybe. Long course? Who actually knows? I just don't know what I'm good at, and that worries me and kind of makes me sad. 

Day 7- A show or movie that has changed you in some way, and how.

I would have to say 16 & Pregnant. This show scares me. I like watching it, but, honestly, the more seasons that happen, the more depressing the show gets. One particular episode of the show that really stuck out to me was one with a girl who loved being on the racetrack. I don't remember what her name was, I sort of remember what she looked like, but honestly, the biggest thing I remember about her is how terrible her life looked. I mean, she got married, and couldn't even afford a honeymoon. She married a guy that wore a racing uniform instead of a tux. I sat there, watching that episode, wondering how on earth she could possibly seem so happy. Stuck where she was, living with her mom, barely even able to afford to buy a barn to use as a house for herself and her husband and child. She wasn't going to go anywhere, and she seemed content with that. Honestly, she didn’t seem to mind that much that she was going to be stuck in her small-town life for the rest of her life, and that she was no longer going to be able to hang out with friends so much, or meet new people, or go to college. Her mother only seemed to think that it matter that she make it through high school. Honestly, watching that show scared me so much. Probably because that is the complete opposite of the life I want to have. I want to go places, I want to see the world, I want to go to college, have an amazing honeymoon, marry a man a really love and have his child because I want to, not because I was young and careless. I want to have a lot of boyfriends, and I want to experience love, real, actual love, the kind that keeps you breathless and terrified and vulnerable. I guess that watching that episode changed me because it really made me think. It has encouraged me to be careful, and wait for growing up too fast. Especially in things like sex, but also in getting married, etc. It can wait, and so can I.