hi.

it's been a while, i'm so sorry.

i know what i want to do. It's a mixture of confusing feelings between the previous post and this one: but what i want to study is ecology. i want to travel the world, i want to make a difference. i want so badly to impact life, to know that what im doing is the right thing, to know to feel that i am changing lives, and changing my own life.

My dad said that i have to find a balance between what i want to do and what will make me money. and if you're reading this right now dad, i'm sorry for what i am about to say.

I completely disagree with you. You are wrong, simply that. at least in my eyes, you're wrong. I am not interested in finding something that will make me a lot of money, which will, in turn, make me happy, get me a happy lifestyle. that is a stupid assumption and i refuse to live by it. i want to be happy in what i am doing, not happy with the personal product (i.e. material possessions, etc.) that what i am doing produces. I love you dad, forever and to the moon and back, but i do not want to be you. i do not want to end up like you. in a marriage where i constantly question the love, whether it is true or whether it was based upon what i thought i should be thinking. does that make sense? i want to wake up every morning and know that i am happy with everything i am and everything i am doing. i don't want to end up with regrets, with bitterness, constantly going back to the past and wondering what i could have done better. the past wasn't good to you dad, i know that. and i know you want to kick it in the face, step on all the people who bullied you, by showing them how successful you are now, with a beautiful wife, a great house, a great job, and lots of money.

but take a look at yourself. you aren't truly, truly happy, are you? you don't seem like it. i believe you are happy. but i don't believe you are truly happy. you need something, that wow factor, that thing that makes you get up in the morning looking forward to all the things your day will bring. and that i what i want. i would rather wake up in a crappy motel in the middle of india, knowing that i would be able to study the slums and MAKE A DIFFERENCE than wake up with a bunch of money next to me, knowing that i could spend it, but all i would be making a difference in would be my dependence on the market. i don't want that. i want to feel. with my heart. i want to engage myself in my work, wholeheartedly. because that is why God put us on this earth. he put us here not so we could barter and trade and gain money and lose money and get high and drink and party and have babies and sex and have a good time. if he had, there wouldn't be such bad consequences for lives spent on these things. he put us here to make a difference. in ourselves, and in the world around us.

so no, i will not look at a job that kind of makes me feel happy. i want to be in something that makes me truly happy. i want to wake up every morning and smile. the first thing i want to think is: i can't wait for today. and that won't be everyday, i know. but i want it to be most days. and i don't care, i genuinely don't give a shit if i have to spend years as a waitress, as a housekeeper, whatever, to get there. i won't sleep with anyone to get a job, i won't kiss ass, i won't do stupid shit. and i know that's how you get places, but if that's how i get something, then i don't want it. i want an honest living made the honest way and i want to enjoy myself, in a way that God intended. and maybe i am naive, and stupid, and young for thinking this way. maybe it is dumb for me to hope that i will someday be able to have all this, together.

but the ugly harsh reality of it all is that the world is an ugly awful place. and i want only to try to change that. the one thing i will not change are my morals. i refuse to become someone in the freaking rat race, waking up every morning waiting for my vacation days, or for my paycheck, or whatfuckingever. i want to enjoy what i do, is that so naive and wrong? i dont want to be one of those people who lives with their work, i want to live for my work. god its stupid, but all i want is to study and learn and help people. people like jamal from slumdog millionaire. i know its dumb, and movies impact me soo much. but i dont care. its what i get, these little spurts of feelings, that keep me going. i know what i want, from these little things. and hopefully i can make them bigger soon. that sounds stupid, but whatever. i want to learn and help and learn and be happy. and i dont want drugs or alcohol or sex to take over my life. i want to live a life with god, helping his world. whether that ends up being me studying human or other animal ecology, he will decide, and he will show me. i trust in him wholeheartedly. he's gotten me this far, after all. i've been able to evade stupid party shit so far. like not skipping paries but getting shitfaced and messing up. and i know he will protect me and get me where i want to go. ok.

also if he could make me find someone to fall in deep, true love with, that would be great. but maybe he wants  me to be single, i don't know.

ok. rant over.