Just because i feel like it

i feel like crying, and i don't know why. i'm not sad, i'm actually doing okay right now. i've had lots and lots of ups and downs lately. i've cried the most i ever had this very year. and that's hard to admit to the public, i guess. and no, i wasn't crying about a boy that time. though i will say there is a boy who's on my mind a lot. he doesn't make me cry, but it sure doesn't help to think about him when i'm already crying. maybe its the fact that i can't seem to believe that i am actually good at anything. i watch shows like make it or break it, and it makes me sad, for some reason. because i want so badly to have what they have. a reason to get up at eight in the morning six days a week, a reason to train that hard. i'm not actually really really good at swimming, and that is so depressing to think about. i'm good, and i will admit it. i am a good swimmer, and i can keep up with a lot of people if i put enough effort into it. but that's the thing. i have no drive. and i have no idea how to get it. what am i working for? for college? where i may or may not actually make the team? for anything after that? what happens next? what happens to me after college is over? i don't think i would do well on my own, no, not at all. i would let myself get away with too much. right now, as hard as it is to think about, right now is the only time i have. i should be spending time at good meets, not thinking about how i can't make it. because i can. when i have the drive, i am really good. i can beat people, i can make heads turn. i'm not amazing, there are a lot of people that are better than me. but i'm also not terrible. i have the talent. i have it. and i'm being conceited. whatever, its a problem i already have, self-confidence. as in, i have none. it's one of my biggest insecurities, what people think of me. and it sucks and i hate it, because it makes me think things and do things i would never do on my own. i hate being judged, and yet i judge. my life is full of cliches, but, then again, isn't like just one big cliche in itself? i try to tell myself that things will get better. but it's really really hard sometimes. just in swimming, really. because, honestly, life is fine everywhere else. and i try to tell myself that i know why i swim. but sometimes, after asking myself this question, i am stumped. why do i swim? because i'm good? okay, i'm alright. but im so tired of being okay at everything i do. just okay, good even. whatever. i'm so so tired of being just out of reach of top three, (metaphorically speaking of course) somewhere i can be recognized. it just seems like swimming is a huge part of my life, but i am not a huge part of swimming. and that sucks. that's something that makes me hurt to think about, and it's something that is making me cry right now. the downpoint of my swimming career? when i asked my mom what i was good at. what was my race? what was the thing i swam for, the thing where i climbed into the pool and i knew exactly what i was doing, what i was going for. and she couldn't tell me. that sucked. that sucked worse than anything i have ever had happen to me before. to think that i'm not actually good at anything. that i'm only fair at everything. and it didn't bother me that much at the moment. but it bugs me incredibly now. it makes me feel like all im doing, for swimming, everything i have done, it's all a waste. what is it for, if i can't be goal oriented? if i don't really have a goal at all? i try to make goals, but they fail. it's so hard for me to finish things, and i don't know why. i have no idea why it's so hard, it just is. and it really really felt good to be able to actually descend the 400s yesterday. and it felt incredible that day at long course last year. it's a feeling i will never forget, a feeling i will never let myself forget. but i don't know how to get it back. every time i try, i fail. i overthink it, i psych myself out. and it sucks, and i don't know how to fix it. nobody told me it was going to be this hard, why is it this hard? why is it that i am the only person in the world who i can talk to about this? i try talking to my mom, to my coach, and no one can tell me what to do. it's up to me, they say. it's in my mind, they say. i have to figure it out myself, they say. well i've never really been good at being my own judge. i over analyze constantly. i
m absolutely awful at self-motivation. why am i such an optimist for others? i have no idea how to be an optimist for myself, the person who needs a little cheering up the most. and i guess i just have to live and learn. and it's hard. it's the hardest thing i've ever had to do. because it's something i've never really thought about before. and there are more bad days than good days. but i have to live for those days when i am on top of the world. and, most important of all, i have to learn that nobody, not a single person in the world, can take that away from me.