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We were sitting by the light of a tiny fire, with the backdrop of an impressively designed house and well-placed river view. One of your friends had had his harmonica strategically placed on the arm of his outdoor chair, and I had already asked about it. With the sudden playing of Neil Young’s “Heart of Gold”, he played the introduction in perfect harmony with the sound from the speakers. I was taken aback with how it made me feel.

I remember asking you if you had ever felt a special sort of nostalgia, the kind that occurs with someone you haven’t known very well and haven’t grown to rely on for emotional experiences. I wasn’t drunk, so who knows why I felt comfortable telling you that. Maybe it’s because you make me feel so content with who I am. I don’t feel like I need to say things to impress you; I feel like I can be myself and you will see that and feel nothing but happiness. Maybe it’s the honeymoon phase talking.

All I know is that you told me you aren’t usually able to spend a week straight with someone without getting tired of them. And that even in the moments when you get on my nerves, you always seem to know what to say to make me feel lucky to have you again. Your grandfather asked me when he met me for the first time if you love me. I didn’t know what to say at the time but it makes me giddy to understand something like that might be possible. That someone could love me and all his family could see it.

It breaks my heart to know that I might never get the chance to really explore something with you. But at the same time, I mean every word I have said and written expressing my excitement and desire to pursue our separate lives, to explore the world in the way we have planned. I know there are differences in what we want to do, but being with someone has never felt so easy, I’ve never felt so motivated to do things that make someone happy. Maybe it’s because it’s so easy, things that make you happy tend to be things that would make me happy too anyway. I’ve learned that I am willing to give a lot to keep the people I care about happy. But for you, I never wonder for a second if you would be willing to return the favor.

One day, after we have gone and explored the way that the world works on our own, let’s meet and circle the globe again. I think getting to know the world with you will make old experiences seem new again. Let’s jump out of planes, swim with whales, you can tattoo me and I can write a book about the way you talk to me, about the way I look at you. I hope you know that the fact that I’m writing about you while I’m still with you and happy is the most telling thing of all. I spent two years feeling “in love” with my ex-boyfriend, and I never wrote a word.