Do you ever look at my profile picture on Facebook and wish that it was something different? How many times have you looked at my pictures on social media or read things I've written and wondered aloud exactly what you and what Max can mean to me, simultaneously? I can't put myself in your shoes; I only know things in the way that I personally experience them. And I won't lie, I'm not used to having multiple people in my life that want to be with me. I hate to sound like the jaded twenty-two year old, but the little love triangle I had with the guy I worked with at Hamlet was more my speed. It was a fire that made me cry more than it made me think, but when I actually allowed myself time and space to forget about it, it disappeared quickly, like a candle being blown out.

But from the moment I started getting to know you, I had more questions where I was used to having answers. Hamlet guy made me wish for Max to be closer, but you make me wonder exactly what it would be like to have him further away. Not in literal proximity, but more in regards to emotional dependency. Last night I hung out with someone new, a new friend who also just moved here from the east coast. At one point I found myself talking about how I want nothing more than for Max to find someone else, as much as that would hurt. I want to push him away, because I know that I can't be what he wants, what he deserves, who he can be so perfect for.

I've never gone through a bad breakup. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, but we didn't stop talking regularly, he came to my college graduation, he met Max, he helped my mom and cousin move me out of my senior college apartment. He's one of the first people I told when my dog died this summer. I know people say you can't be friends with your exes, that no matter what you do it always ends in fire. But in my experience, that isn't what happened. Sure, when I came back from being abroad and saw my ex for the first time, it was palpable in the air just how much the power had shifted from him to me. And he told me that his heart had belonged to me in the months after I had broken up with him until now. But these things didn't make me change the way I acted, we still hooked up, and I wrote something about feeling sorry for him, about not understanding exactly why he suddenly felt so strongly about me, at a time when I felt like I had no feelings for him at all.

What do you picture, if anything, when you think about us dating? Do you wonder about how I would act if all of a sudden I decided to make the jump and tell Max things were over? Do you think about how you would explain things to your friends, or to your ex-girlfriend? Ultimately, I don't know what you think about, and these are only things I can conjure up. But from personal experience, it's always been really surprising to me to realize that someone has felt a desire to kiss me, but wasn't sure if they could do it or not. Do you ever feel that? Do you ever wish that things weren't complicated and that you and I could do something like hold hands or kiss simply and sweetly? In the middle of the day, somewhere random, just because we could?

I know that I am the relationship type. And I know what I'm like when I'm in a relationship. Do you ever wonder about that? I've probably said something about what it's like to date me, hopefully more than just what I've told you inside the context of my dating Max. Do you hate it when I talk about him? I hate it when you talk about your ex, the same way I feel prickly when someone I feel a certain way about starts talking about someone important from their past. There's nothing I can do to combat history with another person. I bet you understand that.

Thanks for not being weird about me hanging out with you and your friends so much. I know that might sound ridiculous to you, but back home, I'm used to really strongly developed cliques, and people who know their place inside of them (and aren't looking to make friends with a stranger.) And also thank you for not being pushy about what kind of physical relationship we've had. It's been nice to get to know you without that pressure. I don't know if saying this will make sense to you because you only know who I've been since I've been in California, but I was a really different person at home. I fell into things headfirst, got attached too quickly, found myself constantly being the one that was more emotionally involved. I guess you'd hate to hear that, seeing as how I haven't really been that way with you, but I genuinely think that the way I've been with you is specifically due to timing. When I first came out here, I held on to Max tightly because everything was new, and I wanted a safety net to fall back on, someone who would tell me he loved me at the end of every day, no matter what happened during that day. Even with the thing with the Hamlet guy, I always had Max to fall back on, someone who would always be there to treat me right even as I had sex with someone else regularly and against his wishes.

Definitely not cool right? But I'm not perfect.

But you, you're different. You make me want to be more honest, to try and be a better person. And as much as I could lie to Rod (Hamlet guy, I forget if I told you his name?), I don't feel comfortable lying to you. You make me want to dive headfirst into something, the way I always have. But I'm afraid of doing that. Partially because of Max, partially because I came to California because I wanted to be by myself, partially because I'm scared that I'm going to make a mistake I've made before. You, you're great. You're sweet, and fun and you care about your family in a way that is really important to me, and I genuinely don't understand how or why I could meet a person like you, a person that's right for me in many of the same ways that Max is (but also in lots of different ways) at such a weird time in my life. Timing is cruel, at least at this point.

I want to go back to Merced with you, meet your friends there, see what your life is like when you're a long train ride away from San Francisco. I don't want to meet your ex, because I know that no matter what, she couldn't like me because of who I am to you, and because I don't want to ever be on the bad side of anyone who has meant something to you in your life.

I can't promise you anything. But if it makes you feel any better, I can't promise anything to Max either. And in all truth, he's only been in my life about two months longer than you have. That's pretty weird, right?

One day I might disappear halfway around the world because I found a job or something, and I wouldn't expect you to come with me, but I also wouldn't expect you to be too invested in the idea of me staying.

I'm not a difficult person to get to know, but it is super difficult for me to trust anyone (that isn't my mom.) I keep waiting for you to get back with your ex, or wake up and get tired of me just sleeping in your bed and not much else, or stop inviting me to do things with you and your friends. I know what it feels like to be pushed away, or to all of a sudden not be good enough anymore. Even though I don't think you'd be a cruel enough person to do that to me. You're good at protecting yourself from getting too emotionally involved in situations like this right? Me too. I didn't used to be. But I am now.